When someone says that they 'enjoyed' a funeral - isn't that OK?

In my world - yes it is!  But more often than not, the use of the word 'enjoy' has a slightly different context.

Funerals are our last and final chance to say goodbye.  They have the potential to create new memories that stay with us for our lifetime.  Done badly - and they become a draining echo.

It's not unusual for mourners to come up to me after a service, to say how much they enjoyed it.  Sometimes they feel inwardly apologetic for the use of the word 'enjoy'.  Other times I see them frowning and hear them asking themselves if that's the right word to use.  It's almost like they feel uncomfortable to be able to enjoy such a sad occasion.

And when I chat a little further with them, enjoying the funeral was all about:

• Hearing about the deceased in a way that was true to them - "...it was John through and through...."
• Knowing that the funeral was taken in a way, that the person themselves would have loved.
• Providing an emotive experience from start to finish - "......I enjoyed every minute of it........."
• Learning something new about the person they've lost.

So I think it's OK to enjoy a funeral!  It doesn't mean we're roaring around with laughter.  It means that in a silent and personal way, mourners are individually finding connections that mean something to them, that they will forever remember.  It just so happens that in the context of a funeral - that's described as enjoyment!

So let's not feel humble or guilty at enjoying funerals - however that gets interpreted!

If we've helped someone to remember a great life.............to emphasise memories that get embedded deep inside.........and to walk away feeling warm, settled and at ease - then that'a funeral well done in my mind!

Getting going on Vow Writing - It's all about thinking first!

So you've decided to Renew your Vows!

You know you have complete freedom to say whatever you want to say!

But guess what?..........you can't get going!

Writing those first few words is the hardest thing for anyone to do - especially when you've got a blank sheet of paper staring you in the face.

Can you remember what you said last time?  Do you want to say the same vows or rewrite them altogether?  You may even want to do a 'pick-n-mix' - and select a bit of the old and and a little of something new.

So here's my starter for ten to get you going......and it's not about writing......it's about thinking first!

• Work in the past, present and future.

Think about how you felt those many years ago and how you felt saying your vows then.  Is there any element that stands out for you that you want to bring forward, to make sure it continues.

Then be 'in the moment' and think about what you have today with the other person.  Things you'd like to thank them for........surprises and challenges along the way............where you've both got to in life.

Then step ahead into your future - whatever that might look like! What do you want to make sure happens for the two of you?   How does your wider social and family life look in the future for the two of you and what do you both need to get there? If it was the best relationship it could be.....what needs to happen to get you there?

• Get hold of some Post-it-Pads - this bit is all about feelings and gut instinct!

Write down on as many words as you can to describe how you feel about the other person - use one Post-it for each word.  When you think you've come to the end......stop......think.....and then just write one more down that comes to mind.

Now put them all in front of you and take out your top 5 that have greatest meaning for you - you will want to negotiate.....you will want to swap and change....but you begin to get a feel for what's important.  I often do this exercise with couples who are struggling to find the words to write their own vows - it's a simple exercise that just draws out feelings....and it's amazing how quickly the vows emerge after it!

• Think of a sandwich

When you put your Vows together, think of it as though you're making a sandwich.  A thin slice to start .....lots of filling......and a final slice to top it off.  The final vow you make should in some way bring all of the other vows together to give a clear, memorable ending.  It's the finale!

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So there you have it - 3 Top Tips to get you going on writing your Vows.  The golden rule is to do plenty of thinking and playing around first!  Often this feels the most unproductive part of writing......but it's what makes your ideas flow much easier.

 

Your vows are personal to you.  They're the main focus of the ceremony.........Enjoy creating and promising them - they deserve the air space after so much hard work and thought!

XCarole