For all those I've worked with this year - I wish you a warm and wonderful christmas!

It's getting closer to Christmas eve........when that silent hush starts to descend......when the frenzy starts to subside.........and when you have time to look around and check out the meaning of it all!

I've hung up my non-religious ceremony boots now until the New Year.  But as they hang there getting ready for 2012, I'm mulling over just what Christmas means for all those I've worked with this year.

• To the families I've worked with who've lost someone special and who I've delivered a funeral service for - Christmas will be a difficult time.  I want to say happy Christmas - but those words just don't seem right.
• To those couples who've stood before me renewing their vows - I hope that this Christmas brings you all that you hope for.....and then just that little bit more!
• To those families who've celebrated their new arrival's baby naming ceremony with me - Enjoy your first Christmas together in your new family - and all the stories and fairy tales that now begin.
• To the new business friendships I've encountered this year - I hope you've enjoyed our coffees and conversations as much as I have. 
• And to those I have yet to meet and work with......here's to new beginnings!

This time of year affects us all differently.  It means different things to different people.  Wherever you are and whoever you're spending it with.......may it bring you all that you wish for - and only you know what that might be!

Have a warm and wonderful Christmas.....and above all - keep safe.

XCarole

It's that time of year - go on, it's OK to put religion in!

Our winter frosts are starting........Heavy snowfalls in some parts of the country........shops crammed with bustling shoppers rushing to get into the christmas spirit! It's also that time of year when many eagerly awaited wedding or baby naming ceremonies are held........ and when many sad and unexpected funerals are conducted.

And even if you've opted for a non-religious approach to the ceremony - take some peace of mind in knowing that if you use an independent celebrant and not a humanist - then you can weave in an element of religion if that's your choice. Many people believe that you have two choices - religious or a humanistic non-religious ceremony. There is a 'middle of the road' option that caters for a mix of beliefs and values - Independent Celebrancy!

You can sing Christmas carols...........have moments of silence for private prayers.............take festive poems or readings that just spell out what's going on around us.

You may decide on a non-religious outlook for your ceremony. But do think about those who sit next to you and share your service. Sometimes there is something quite humbling about a large gathering of unfamiliar individuals, just subtly recognising the date in the calendar. It can bring everyone together without anyone stating the obvious. Religion doesn't have to be the main thread or focus of the service - but it can just be there!


We all deal with this time of year in our own ways - and that is how it should be. But weaving in elements of religion is just a way of valuing the beliefs of others........even if those values are not ones that you recognise yourself.

'Celebrating a life' doesn't mean a 'happy clappy' event!

I was cut back in my tracks this week by a simple chat with a close friend. It was a discussion that on hindsight, I should have seen coming........But sometimes the most obvious things that stare us in the face - are also our blind spot!

We were talking about the funeral services that I design and conduct and how they 'Celebrate' the life of the person who has died. And the statement that threw me from my friend, went something like this......

"I don't think I quite get it...... Funerals for me are a sombre time...........they're sad..............Celebrating it just doesn't feel right....I don't know.....maybe it's just me....."

But I don't think it was just him. It made me think about the use of the word 'Celebration' in the context of taking a funeral service, and how that reaches into the very depths of our understandings and beliefs. Did he think that my services were all 'happy clappy',........even worse full of light entertainment that you'd expect from a Peter Kay or Russell Brand show?

So let's be clear. When I talk of the notion of 'Celebrating' someone's life at a funeral service, it's not about having an upbeat, full of laughter party. It's about:

• Putting the person who has died at the centre of attention - they take the spotlight for the service.
• Looking back on their life and the impact they have had in this world.
• Pulling out the legacy and footprints they leave behind and the affect on others.
• Focusing on those things people will miss most and helping to turn them into wonderful memories.

Now there might be subtle moments of smiling or laughter - we're all responsible for making people smile and laugh every day so why try and avoid it at a funeral? But yes funerals are sad. Yes they are emotional. Celebrating a life is not about fudging that - it's about saying that here today, in this room, this person takes centre stage. Let's give them the respect they deserve at their last show.

Celebrations done well can make a huge difference to people........But perhaps I just need to think a little more when I use the word 'celebrate' in my conversations!

Carole

Trembling at the thought of speaking at a wedding or funeral?

At the non-religious civil services or ceremonies I design and conduct, there's always the opportunity for someone to take a reading, share a poem, or simply say a few words.

Let's be honest - it's not everyones' cup of tea. Standing up there all alone with hundreds of eyes upon you - who'd put their hands up for that then? And yes, sometimes the emotion takes over and gets the better of us. But if you want to take part and can manage your own emotions for a few short minutes, then it's a wonderful experience to look back on and be proud of.

So if someone's asked you to speak at a funeral or wedding, then here's a few tips to help you out.

• Above all, be conscious of your breathing and take slow deep breaths. Your breathing will help with your pace, tone and voice projection.
• When you're preparing your script - keep the sentences short. Short sentences let you lift your eyes and make contact with your audience. Long sentences keep you disconnected from people for far too long. Not good for them and you might just miss that occasional smile!
• Prepare your script in large font - say size 16. If you do become emotional and your eyes start welling up, large font that's neatly spaced out will help you get to the end more confidently!
• And finally, keep it short! Measure your impact by what you say, and not how much you say!

Next time the invitation comes to speak at a wedding or funeral, think about how you might feel at the end of it - rather than how you'd feel doing it! You're more likely to accept it then and create a moment of pride that's simply immeasurable.

Go on............accept the spotlight with honour. And anyway, you wouldn't have been asked to do it if they didn't think you were good enough.............

Who's up for making 12/12/12 a day to remember?

It's amazing how certain dates can be the trigger to move people into action.

There's always a big rush and buzz for romantic couples to 'tie the knot' on triple digit dates! It's probably a good excuse too, for neither party to forget an anniversary on such a memorable date!

So recently we've seen - 09/09/2009, 10/10/2010 and 11/11/2011 and of course you can go back much further. Some people have a strong feeling of spirituality on these triple convergence dates, others have some sense of beginnings and endings. But the one thing you can guarantee, is that these dates create a frenzy to make something happen. No real logic to it - but does that matter?

Bookings will already be rolling in for weddings, vow renewals, naming ceremonies and other life changing events for 12/12/2012. If your instinct tells you to join the crowds - then get your diary out now and make some calls. Gretna Green saw at least 50 weddings this Friday 11th November, compared to its normal dozen or so that makes up a typical November Friday!

As it happens, I was conducting a funeral service for a lovely family on Friday 11th November. Of course that date couldn't be booked in advance - but I sense that in time, they'll look back and smile at the coincidence.

So are you up for making the 12/12/2012 a day to remember? At the moment.........my diary is free that day!

"Now when you get it - ignore the grammar and punctuation! It's written to be heard and not read........."

Whoever I'm working with on the design of a ceremony or a service, you'll hear me at some point explaining how the draft is likely to look.

This is because I'm preparing them for a piece of writing that is coming through that will at times look odd. It will at various points feel awkward to read...........And I can guarantee that it would fail any academic english language or grammar test! The reason is simple. My ceremonies are written to be 'heard' and not 'read'.

When I'm presenting a service whether that be a funeral, a renewal of vows or perhaps a baby naming ceremony - then the language, pace, tone, punctuation and overall presentation carries just as much weight, if not more sometimes, than the actual written content. Writing to be 'heard' is very different from writing pieces that are to be read and digested. When you're writing to be heard, you're writing for immmediate impact!

In my design work I make more use of language patterns. I systematically hit all of the senses. I speak in colour as well as in 'black and white'. I draw from the past as well as take people into the future. I talk 'big picture' alongside the detail.........and lots more. It all goes to putting together a ceremony that is engaging, interesting and unforgettable.

Your ceremonies are a one off experience. You won't get a second chance to run them again. So make sure you use a celebrant that's experienced in creative writing and presenting. It's the only way to guarantee great design and delivery of your ceremony.

'Hello' magazine gives examples of garden weddings!

It was another capuccino moment that sparked this latest blog! I put my hands up to admitting that I work best when I'm in 'thinking' and reflective mode!

I'd been having a chat that morning with a mum whose daughter is getting married next year - and explaining how using a celebrant for the wedding ceremony can give you something different. Then I opened the October issue of 'Hello'. Now if you have one to hand - then turn to the pages which celebrate the different weddings.

You'll read about how Mr and Mrs - "....got married in the gardens of the father of the bride......"

So how can you get married in your own gardens and exchange vows anywhere?

Let's put the record straight. Only a registrar from the Council or the member of your clergy can legally marry you here in England - that's when we start talking about church weddings or licensed civil venues. It's different in Scotland and in other countries, but that's where we are in England so let's just work with it. But how you 'celebrate' that wedding is entirely within your own gift.

So there's nothing stopping couples going to 'register' their marriage at the Register Office and doing the bare, basic legal minimum requirements - and then coming away to hold their wedding ceremony complete with the exchange of vows - at a place and time that matters most to them!

So why would you take this approach? Well if any of the following appeals to you, then have a chat with me!

• Complete freedom to design readings, vows and the whole content of your ceremony - you don't have to go along with what's offered to you and every other couple that comes through the doors!
• The opportunity to have the ceremony outdoors, in your own gardens, on your nearest beach, perhaps even at the place where the proposal took place - you can hold the ceremony anywhere and at anytime and aren't restricted to licensed venues.
• The choice of personalising this most significant chapter of your life - and having a photo album like no other!

If you think about it - when a child is born we register the birth and celebrate it through a christening or baby naming ceremony some weeks or months later. When someone dies, we register the death and hold the service a week or so later. You can register the marriage using this same approach and then come away and hold the ceremony afterwards.

Next time you read about someone getting married in their landscaped gardens, on the top of woodland or underneath their favourite 200 year old oak tree - chances are they used a Celebrant!

The approach doesn't appeal to everyone - but if you're getting married for the second, third or fourth time then something different like this could be quite exciting for you. And if you've had enough of the corporate and 'like-for-like' wedding packages, then this way of getting married is right up your street!

"Oh you're a humanist?"..............Short Answer - No...I'm an Independent Celebrant.

I've just spent a few days in Wales working with some previous clients from my consultancy world - and I also tacked on a few extra days to make the most of our last 2011 heatwave! As ever, people are interested in my growing celebrancy business and what that actually means.

I'm no longer surprised at the immediate response of "Oh, you're a humanist then?" The world is good at seeing things in black and white - it's an easy way to label things and put them into boxes. So you're either religious or if not, then you're an atheist - and that means humanism!

Now over recent times, that's been the growing trend - and humanism has developed in its' own right. The British Humanist Association (BHA) is evidence of this popularity and the celebrancy career has fitted neatly into this. But society isn't so black and white and often peoples' beliefs aren't always that clear cut.

My own values and beliefs steered me away from humanism. I'm much more comfortable being able to wander loosely, with curiosity - and to dip in and out of ideas and thoughts, rather than follow a clear cut line of beliefs. That's why when I entered the career of celebrancy, I chose the approach that best suited this lifestyle - an independent and 'middle of the road' stance. I chose to become an Independent Celebrant rather than a Humanist. For me, it was absolutely the right move.

My business which provides non-religious or semi-religious ceremonies and services gives you the best of both worlds. If you or some of your guests want a snippet of religion in there like a private prayer or hymn, then I can do this. If I was a humanist, the answer would be no........not at all. And if you don't want religion in at all, then my approach fits that too!

I'm finding that when given the choice, people actually quite like having the option to include religious or spiritual aspects into the service. It lets them value the beliefs of others as well as their own during a service or ceremony. It's not such a black and white approach after all.............But you do just need to know that you do have another option beside humanism - an Independent Celebrant.

If you're interested in finding out more, then visit the web site for our Professional Fellowship of Independent Celebrants - it describes our ethos and ways of working that might just appeal to you for your next celebration!

www.professionalcelebrants.org.uk

When choosing a reading is like baking a cake!

In designing ceremonies, there is nearly always the opportunity to include readings, poems or other verses - they're great opportunities to reinforce a message or special meaning for you.

But if you're gearing towards having one or more of these in your ceremony, then don't get hung up too early on which one to choose! Often when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm asked to bring along examples for them to look through. But I immediately steer away from this approach and encourage people to focus more on:

• Understanding the key message behind the ceremony or service.
  
• Learning about the personal values and beliefs around whom the ceremony is written.
• Thinking about how you want your guests to feel about the service.
• Is there anyone you have in mind to do the reading and are they a good speaker?- A great reading can flop through poor delivery!
  

I then come away and match the readings to these essential ingredients. If you're baking a cake, you wouldn't go out and buy vanilla essence for a strawberry pavlova! Then don't go and choose a reading until you've decided on the meaning of the ceremony and the key message you want people to leave with.

A reading, verse or poem should be included because it adds value to the ceremony - not because there's time for it or because 'that's what others have done'. So if you're using a Celebrant who just shows you a library of collections - then think again! But if you're using a Celebrant who shows you a short-list of appropriate samples - then there's been more thought and consideration into the design and the ceremony is sure to be a winner!

It's all about the difficult question!

That's a difficult one to answer!

And so it should be............Many of my conversations with people, families and couples, almost always include this as their response to my conversation with them.

When we're designing and scripting for major life changing events like the ones I conduct and facilitate, we're dealing with deep emotional content that only surfaces with the right questions. If I ask an easy question.......I'll get an easy answer! And that's no good to me as a designer or you as the person at the centre of the ceremony!

To get really meaningful and rich information that helps design ceremonies, I'm interested in those things that don't first spring into your head - if they do they are only superficial and there is no value in working with superficial or 'light' information. So my questioning is designed to 'dig deep' into your thinking to find those things that don't come out in normal conversation.

These questions might bring about an uncomfortable period of silence - that is fine and it means your inner thoughts are at work. They might bring out a raft of emotional responses - that is fine too as it helps me to write and design a ceremony that gets to the heart of what it's all about.

Try and remember the last time someone really made you think - chances are the question was a tough one but the response really helped you. There is a skill in crafting insightful questions - and also an art in then working with the information it brings about.

If you're looking for someone to design and conduct an important ceremony - make sure they're confident in working in this way. The alternative is a ceremony without heart and emotion and that's no good to anyone!

When getting remarried can be better than the first time round!

If you're getting remarried, then you're probably faced with the options of a standard civil ceremony for your wedding!

If I've caught you on a lazy evening mulling over how you say 'I do' - then you might just be browsing through brochures and catalogues for different venues and destinations?

If you're in either of these two situations - just press the pause button for one moment....

A church wedding is probably out of the question. After all, one or possibly both of you may have done this before! But there is a great alternative to what you think might be your only option of turning up at a register office and holding your standard ceremony there, or being the fourth couple in a month to get married at a licensed venue that appears in all the local magazines!

STOP PRESS - It's called using a Celebrant to conduct your ceremony when, where and how you want.

Imagine having total control over the length, content and structure of your celebrations. An independent celebrant is able to give you complete designer's freedom to have the ceremony of your dreams, wrapped entirely around your own thoughts and wishes for the day.

Wondering how it can be done? - then take a look at my website for further information on the legal aspects of getting married and the benefits of separating out the ceremonial aspects of the wedding. If you're getting remarried then you really do have the chance to make this even better than the first time round!

A wedding photo album like no other - all because you used a celebrant!

Here I am again - but only because it's my conversations with different people that initiate the different perspectives in my blogs!

Recent activities have led me into conversations about why you should choose to use a celebrant to create and design your wedding ceremony? Well if you're getting married then chances are that you'll be guided into one of the following avenues for your wedding:

• Full church wedding with all the expectations that go with that.
• Marriage at a fully licenced civil venue using a council registrar and celebrant.
• Result = No flexibility on the design of your ceremony and an album of photos like every other couple before and after you.

There is an alternative that enables you to celebrate your ceremony where-ever you want, when you want and with total designer's freedom to have the ceremony of your dreams. It works like this:

• You take care of the legal side of your marriage by completing the bare minimum requirements at a Register Office. You do not have to hold your ceremony there and the exchange of rings and vows can be done at any time and in any place - these rituals are purely ceremonial.
• You invite all your guests to the venue of your choice and conduct the ceremony with them all at your side. There are no restrictions on who can come because of numbers, how or where it is conducted, or how long you need to be there for - all these venue restrictions just vanish!
• You write your own vows that have real meaning for you - you have complete choice over what is said and how those vows are exchanged.
• You have a day like no other couple! It's your day and only yours........

I helped a couple understand how this could be done by summing up the approach:

• When a baby is born - we register the birth and celebrate the occasion later at a Baby Naming ceremony or Christening.
  
• When we lose someone close to us, we register the death and hold the funeral service some days later.
• When we get married - there is no reason why we cannot register the marriage and hold the ceremony later on.

It's just that we tend to stick with tradition - it's what we know and are comfortable with. But rest assured that there are alternatives that give real choice, flexibility and freedom. Your photo album should be as unique as you are as a couple! Using a professionally trained celebrant will give you this result.

"I've been to blessings before, but that was the most 'sincere' I've ever been to!"

At a recent Renewal of Vows ceremony, I was struck by these comments from a member of the audience. She had been to blessings before, but for her, the experience of the ceremony I conducted stood out above all others.

So what is it that makes for a good ceremony?

Here are my 5 top tips that should help you create a first class ceremony - whether that be for a wedding, baby naming, renewal of vows, funeral service or other life changing occasion. The added trick is to find yourself a first class celebrant to bring it all to fruition for you!

• Begin with the end in mind - Often I'll ask people how they want to feel when they leave the ceremony and how they want their audience to feel. I'll then work backwards to make sure we deliver on this expectation.

• Keep the spotlight on everyone - There may be a special person or couple around which the ceremony is written. But there are others in the room who are just as important and their expectations for the ceremony are just as significant. Don't forget your audience!

• It's not the length or size that matters - Don't worry about filling time. What's more important is the quality of what's said and how it's said, rather than the length of the ceremony itself. I've seen and witnessed ceremonies that have gone on too long and everyone moves into distraction mode!

• Be comfortable with silence and a pause - Just because we cannot hear anything happening does not mean that we are standing still. Silences are a powerful intervention for allowing others to meander with their thoughts, and letting their minds wander into wonderful memories that they will remember forever. And they will always link these memories to your ceremony!
  

• Go with the flow - All ceremonies have a strucutre - A start and an end! What's important on the day is that your celebrant is able to read the emotion in the room and work that into the ceremony. 'Going with the flow' is a skill that experienced facilitators draw upon to keep engagement and relevance. Never work with a celebrant who is so hung up on structure, that they lose the opportunity to capture those wonderful off-the-cuff moments!
  

If you have an important ceremony looming - then try using these 5 points as a check list.

They will be different to what you might have seen so far, but they are designed to make the most of a ceremony that doesn't getting a second chance on its showing. You and your audience deserve the best chance there is at getting it right first time.!

A 'Frequently Asked Question' about funeral celebrants!

A question that comes to me time and time again, is how a family would know where to look to source a Civil Funeral Celebrant if they needed one?

Let's think about it for a moment!

If you lose someone close to you and are responsible for arranging the funeral service, then the last think on your mind is start 'googling' who can take the service. You may already know that you don't want a deeply religious service - and that in itself is a great starting point!

But rest assured that those who work in the funeral industry and who you will be in touch with, will be able to navigate you to the right person. So here are some ideas about how to find that elusive funeral celebrant who can deliver a service and ceremony in exactly the way you want.

• Most if not all Funeral Directors, have lists of professionally trained civil funeral celebrants that are contactable at the touch of a button. They can call the celebrant for you and check out their availability.
• Check out your local councils as some employ celebrants that you might meet when you register the death.
  
• If you are caring for someone who is terminally ill, on long term palliative care, or who is clear about the kind of funeral they are looking for after their own passing - you do on this occasion have time to start 'googling' for the ideal celebrant. Two excellent websites that lists celebrants across the UK are: www.professionalcelebrants.org.uk and www.funeralcelebrants.org.uk
• Ask around in your social circle if anyone knows of someone who performs the celebrancy role - you'll be surprised of how many people have connections in this field either because they know someone personally or they've been to one of their services.
• If you find a celebrant but feel that they might be too far away geographically, don't let this put you off talking with them. Some Celebrants will travel and even if they cannot do the service for you, chances are they'll have excellent networks and will know someone who can!
  

So take some peace of mind that whilst you many not know the answer today of how to find a celebrant - they are around at different reference points and working in quite collaborative ways with the funeral industry.

Typically, people don't go looking for a funeral celebrant as they would other services - and that's why as celebrants, we put more energy into making sure our relationships with the funeral industry are robust, solid and seamless.

Baby Naming Ceremonies give more than just a name!

Baby Naming ceremonies - an alternative for when the church says no!

So the government's Office of National Statistics, has just announced the most popular baby names for 2010. If you haven't seen it yet, then you're about to go all gooey eyed if your child has one of these names.......

Top 3 names for boys:

• Oliver
• Jack
• Harry

Top 3 names for girls:

• Olivia
• Sophie
• Emily

So giving your baby his or her new name is great - but there's more to it than that in welcoming your new arrival into the family and community life. Have you ever been to a Baby Naming ceremony? Well if you've been to a christening then you'll know that it's not just about endorsing the name of the baby or young child. It's about promises, hopes, aspirations and commitment.

Baby namings offer an alternative to the traditional christening and they are the new arrival in the maternity and pre-school era. Talk to someone in your early years' groups and you're bound to bump into someone who's either had one, been to one, or thinking of having one!

They can be held anywhere, at any time and without the restrictions of time or format. They can be non-religious or semi-religious; the choice is absolutely yours. They're a celebration of your new arrival and a way of marking their entry into the new world with all of the promises you make to support them. If you wanted a traditional religious christening and your local church cannot or won't provide one for whatever reason - then rest assured that you do have an alternative!

And if by chance you were wondering how the trends on baby names have changed over time, these were the most popular a decade ago in 2000 in England and Wales:

Top 3 names for boys: - Jack, Thomas and James
Top 3 names for girls: Chloe, Emily and Megan

Just as trends on names change, so too do the celebrations we use to signify the baby's arrival into this world. Take a look at my website for further information on Baby Naming ceremonies, and how they offer a modern and unique approach to the celebration of a new child!

'Jumping over the broom' and 'Tying the knot'

'Do you have to be married to do this?

This morning I was taking a capuccino moment in my local coffee house. I was struck by an article in the Daily Telegraph around the differences between the option of living together versus marriage. The extract stood out for me, not because of any new revelation, but because it made me think more and more about the rituals of ceremonies and their symbolic impact on life.

My thoughts meandered into the implications of a wedding ceremony and how couples who choose to live together without marriage, miss such a significant event!

Now some will say that this is fine. Others will assume that the couple have not made that final move into a sustainable relationship. I don't advocate any right or wrong here as my own values on life take me to believe that everyone has the right to exercise their choice! But there is something about us as a society that values rituals, celebrations and symbolic acts. And wedding ceremonies are an example of just that!

So how would it feel if there was an option for couples living together, to create their own ceremonial affairs. We all need things to commemorate and be proud of - that's just part of being human.

There is no reason why two people could not celebrate their union without the formality and legality of marriage. We could start thinking about:

• Committment ceremonies to mark special anniversaries and milestones.
• Celebrating the moment when two people decide to set up home together in much the same way as we celebrate two people 'jumping over the broom'.
• Applying the concept of 'tying the knot' for two people, as we do in marriage.

Just because two people have chosen not to take their relationship into a legally married status, does not mean that they cannot take a ceremonial approach to their lives. The conduct of legal affairs and the design and running of ceremonies, are two completeley separate issues. And for many that is a perfectly acceptable way of living their lives.


So let's think much more creatively. Ceremonies are there to be experienced by us all. We just need to have the open mind to apply them more liberally!

When weaving in bits of religion can work best?

People often find me or are signposted to me, because of their choice to have a non-religious ceremony or service. In most cases, those same people are heartened to know that they can in fact build in elements of religion, if that is their choice.

Now if I was a humanist celebrant – such an offer would not be on the table. But I’m not a humanist and it is indeed on offer – the joys of choosing the ‘independent’ stance to my professional training!

I’m finding that this approach is attractive to people, when they start thinking about who will be attending the ceremony or service as guests. Often if there are religious members of the family or friends, then weaving in an element of religion can be a way of making a connection and helping them to feel involved. There is nothing worse for a guest than feeling like a passive bystander whilst everything is going on around them.

There are some respectful ways of bringing religion into ceremonies without it dictating the whole event:-

• Singing an appropriate hymn at a funeral service.

• Finding space for a special reading at a Wedding or Renewal of Vows.

• Allowing time for private prayers during moments of reflection.

As a Celebrant, I aim to create and facilitate ceremonies that put the spotlight where it needs to be, whilst ensuring all guests leave feeling involved, engaged, and connected to the celebration. And sometimes we can get there with a little ‘pick n mix’!

As ever the choice is entirely yours – but thinking about your guests might need to be on your check list!

When a wedding ceremony just has to be different!

As I talk with more and more people about how different their wedding ceremonies can look, I’m beginning to realise that tradition is such a powerful tool!

The yearning to hang onto as much tradition as we can, wrapped with the choice to have designer’s freedom for ceremonies seems to be a common thread of my chats. There is nothing wrong with this at all but using a Celebrant for your wedding ceremony can help build in the best of both worlds.

Take a look at this most unusual marriage proposal – and then look out for the glint of tradition that brings warmth and sincerity to the whole affair.





Now with this particular couple, you would imagine that their wedding ceremony is going to be something quite different and unique. If they were in the UK, I’d be encouraging them to go and do the basic legal necessities at a register office – over and done with in 15 minutes and so impersonal.

Then reach for the stars and design a ceremony that brings all of the ‘wow’ and fragility of romance that these two deserve. With snippets of tradition wrapped with elements of curious design, these two could take their ceremony wherever they want, when they want and have with them whom they want – all without the restrictions of licensed venues or offices. On top of that, add the ability to write your own vows and you have the making of something quite incredible!

Answers on a postcard – it’s called a Civil Wedding Ceremony!

Choosing a celebrant worth their weight in gold!

So you’ve made a decision. You want to renew your wedding vows. You know when and where but you don’t know how!

You’re told that you need a ‘Celebrant’. Chances are you’ve never heard of this before and don’t know where to start – but you have a vague idea that they conduct the ceremony!

Here are my 5 tops tips for choosing the right Celebrant to design, write and lead your ceremony:

• Make sure they’re happy to meet with you to chat about your thoughts – and this should be without obligation and more importantly without cost!


• Find out their experience before becoming a Celebrant – and look out for plenty of experience of working with people and great facilitation and writing skills
  


• Make sure they’re accredited through a recognised Celebrancy body.
  


• Ask to speak with other people who have used their services and who are happy to recommend them.
  


• Check out their website and make sure it gives you the right feel for the kind of person you’re looking for.

And if you’ve got this far and have all the ticks in the boxes, then chances are you’re on the road to making a sound decision. Celebrants worth their weight in gold should be giving you all of this. As ever, my advice is to go with your gut instinct!

Now enjoy the ceremony and those special moments just waiting to happen!

It’s not my world that’s most important here!

Whether I’m working in organisations through my consultancy work, or sitting next to a family recently bereaved who I’m providing a funeral service for, I’m dealing with people! At those moments in time, I’m not nor should I be, the centre of discussion – It’s the people around me and their view of the world that takes centre stage.

If there were a couple of rapport building tips I could give out on a postcard – they’re based around the starting point of giving power to the other person’s world before your own.

• Be curious to listen before throwing your own views into the pot.
• Have a sense of compassion and empathy of the other world before your own.
• Begin to understand and play in the other playground, before you kick your own ball around.

Think of the last time you felt unheard, not listened to, or totally misunderstood. My guessing is that the conversation gave you little or no airspace!

Try something different today! Just stop and press the pause button with those conversations you have over the next 24 hours! Give a little more time and energy into understanding the other viewpoint and story – and then see how much richer and more powerful those conversations become for you.

Even William and Kate show how to make the best use of vows on their wedding day!

I’m having some really interesting conversations at the moment around the wedding ceremony side of my new business: –

“What? You really can write your own vows for a wedding?”

And we see this in a small way right now, in the words that William and Kate have decided to use in their statement of vows. Kate ‘will not obey’ – but the words chosen have been to ‘….love, comfort, honour and keep…..’

Wedding ceremonies are occasions that celebrate the new life of a couple that intend to spend the rest of their lives together through marriage. The vows and the exchange of rings are purely ceremonial and can be in any form or combination that suit the newly married couple. Any professional celebrant worth their weight in gold, can help a couple write their vows in a way that makes them unique, special and wrapped entirely around the wishes of the couple.

In legal terms, there are only three things that need to happen to form a legal marriage – and whether you like it or not, they simply have to be said and witnessed:

Declaratory Words:

I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (your full name) may not be joined in matrimony to (your partner’s full name)

Contracting Words:

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (your full name), do take thee, (your partner’s full name), to be my lawful wedding wife (or husband)

And of course you need two independent witnesses to sign the register.

Outside of this, your ceremony can be where you want; how you want; and when you want – so long as the legal side of the marriage is taken care of separately.

I’ve just had the most enlightening and inspiring conversation with the Father of a Bride to be, about putting together a creative wedding ceremony for his one and only daughter. News just out is that it’s going to be at sunset! In the middle of his field….. And with everyone around to see and hear the most perfect vows you could imagine written for this special couple!

If you’re wedding is coming up……if you’ve recently got engaged……..just stop and press the pause button. Imagine the day and ceremony of your dreams – then talk with a professionally trained celebrant to help make those dreams come true!

Don’t get frazzled with the route map to change!

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity are all natural hallmarks of major change.

The imminent beginning of a new business. The redundancy payment from a life long career. The separation from a long and winding relationship. The beginnings of something new. The endings of something meaningful. Whether you’re looking over your shoulder at someone else, or straight ahead in your own direction, there are elements of change happening all around us.

What has struck me most over the last month or so through my conversations with individuals and my own business refocus, is the reminder of the stages we go through before we reach our final destination on that journey – Challenge, Confusion and Clarity:

• The Challenge to our thinking and the decisions easy or difficult that we have to reach -or those decisions we have to work with when they have been made by someone else.

• The Confusion over the rationale, logic or intuition that constantly takes us 3 steps forward and 2 back.

• The Clarity we long to reach that hitherto brings calm, resolve and revitalisation.

What I have become clear on after years of experience of working with people and looking back at myself, is that all 3 stages are equally important. You cannot reach Clarity until you have been through the murky waters of Confusion. And without Challenge, the final outcome may not be the most deserved.

For many, working through these phases becomes a logical step by step approach. For some, they may dart backwards and forwards like minnows. On occasions, the journey along all 3 is very short. For many, the period becomes arduous, turgid and draining - feeling almost like quicksand.

But my message is simple - accept the phases that occur as they are natural. Do not be too quick too reach clarity as you may miss something vital if you have not truly worked through the muddy waters. Find ways of coping during times of confusion – as what will emerge from this when you least expect it, is the answer to your most profound question. Our minds work in mysterious ways and somehow just seem to fathom out the unexpected for us.

There is an art in working this treadmill. My number one ingredient is to know yourself above all else (a recurrent theme in my writings I know!) and be able to spot where you are. Nobody else will do this for you – after all you can’t expect people to read your mind can you?.

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity - just part of the route map to change. Grow to accept it wherever you are!

A man on a train. A quick conversation. A day of reflection.

I’d like to introduce you to a man who just stopped and made me think!

You know when you just listen to someone and feel humility? When someone says something that makes you think about life in general……..Well yesterday that very thing happened to me.

Imagine a busy morning commuting train – this one was taking me to Birmingham. You can probably hear the hustle and bustle of passengers and the mutterings that develop in the carriages. If I’m honest, I tend to sit and listen most of the times. But yesterday, this amazing elderly man seated next to me started one of those very conversations with me. He had no idea of his impact. But he made me feel humble. In the space of 40 minutes, he was about to influence my thinking for the rest of the day.

Here was a man who had lost his wife just over 20 years ago. But here was a man too, that had decided all those many years ago, that the status quo of having ‘nothing to do’ was not an option for him. So here’s what left me feeling so humble:

• He wondered if he could take up cycling – and became proficient in cycling 100 miles a day with no more than a map in hand. He has a list of B&Bs in his pocket for his ‘stop offs’.
• He enjoyed using his hands so he learnt calligraphy – and became so good at it that he now teaches it every Tuesday.
• He saw no point in sitting next to somebody for 40 minutes without making some form of conversation – why miss an opportunity to learn something whatever that might be?

I’d like to introduce you to Eddie.

Eddie left me feeling humble. He had achieved some big changes after such a sad occasion. He left me feeling amazed that someone in the later stages of their life could cycle 100 miles a day. I became reflective as I thought about my own life and those around me.

We all know that major events in our lives can trigger a new chapter for us. Organisations often need a shock into their systems to trigger change, revitalisation or renewal. Eddie simply reminded me of just how effective this can be – even when the opportunity for change is driven by sad or tragic events. There is plenty of this in the world right now, but how it’s used for the greater good is a challenge to us all!


(The name of the man on the train has been substituted to ensure anonymity)

Holding the mirror up - Looking Back and Taking Stock!

So it’s that time of year again! – Where most journals, articles, discussions and thought patterns push us to reflect on the year gone by and gain some clarity on where we want to be for the next 12 months. But it’s not rocket science is it? Yet there is something about endings and beginnings which help us to do such a simple task!

So in the spirit of keeping in tradition, I like many others, have followed this very simple but powerful exercise. I’ve taken the opportunity to reflect on my consultancy work for 2010, on my relationships with friends, family and colleagues and on my hopes and desires for this year and beyond.

I know that many who read this will have probably already done the same. But for me it was important to get the frenzy of the festive season out of the way, and to gain a sense of balance again as I started to look back. One thing I have learnt over the years is that context and emotional state are key to the way we behave and think!

So whilst looking back and during my musings, doodlings and wanderings, I’ve found some emerging themes which will guide me for 2011 both in my work and personal space.

• Values

So important to the way we behave and think and so critical to the relationships we create in life, wherever they may be. When values conflict, tension and battles emerge so quickly. As individuals we need to be mindful of the level of trade off we’re prepared engage in - and when and how, values become ‘deal breakers’.

Whether at work or at play, know your values inside out as they’re your guiding lights!

• Being ‘Absent but Present’

I’ve been privileged to work with some wonderful people last year. One of the things that made them stand out was their ability to influence way beyond their actual presence in an organisation or crowd. Because of the respect, belief and value afforded to them, they’ve been able to have an impact on thinking, decisions and behaviours without being in the immediate physical space. Being ‘absent but present’ is not an overnight trait that can be developed – it’s something that just emerges over time.

I’m sure you can think of those people right now who influence your thinking, your actions and your decisions, even when they are not physically with you. They’re not abundant in numbers but they just have something that makes them stand out.

Whether at work or at play, understand how far your influence stretches with people you are no longer physically with.

• Strengths Amplification

I’ve long been an avid admirer of Marcus Buckingham’s ideology about developing the best of yourself by focusing on your strengths and not weaknesses (www.marcusbuckingham.com). In all the public sector organisations I’ve worked with in my consultancy and salaried career, I’ve seen an innate drive to focus on the development of weaknesses rather than strengths. Complete waste of time in my view. Be clear on the strengths people bring to you in organisations or in your personal life – and develop and amplify those strengths beyond anything that you could have imagined. The fulfilment levels are immense and the results are incredible.

How do you feel yourself working on those areas that you’re not too good at? I’d guess that if we asked you to focus on the things you enjoy and are good at – that your energy levels would rise immediately – and with that so too would the results.

Whether at work or at play, be aware of your weaknesses for sure - but know your strengths and capitalise on them.

• The Long Game

Anything we do, say or think about today, has consequences for tomorrow, next year, the next decade. Our lives are a rippling timeline. If we really thought about our actions of today and how they affected the future play that has yet to be written, we’d do things differently. There is a ‘Long Game’ to everything that we’re part of – be smart enough to have this in your thinking as a route map.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating paralysis through analysis. But I see so many people in organisations making decisions that are right for today, but wholly incompatible for the future. I see emotional behaviours in relationships that will distort future harmony.

Whether at work or at play, remember you’re in the Long Game and keep that as your focus, rather than satisfying today’s worries.

• Authenticity

I leave this till last purposely. Because in all of the interactions we have with others, what is significant is the level of authenticity that is sublimely measured. When our behaviours and actions are not consistent with our values, others around us will feel that and will challenge our authenticity.

There is something inside all of us which sounds the alarm bells when we know someone is not being authentic. In organisations, the workforce will feel disassociation with those who are not true to themselves or their messages. We read and listen to far more than the words we hear when we interact - our body language gives so much away it’s frightening.

I’ve seen people in key roles in organisations who’ve had to take different courses of actions and lead with new behaviours at difficult times. What helped them through these times was the level of honesty, courage, conviction and humility that worked alongside them. This package led to a level of authenticity that grew without conscious nurturing. It’s a rare trait but once you have it, it tends to stick! And those that do have it, have an aura about them which is indescribable.

Whether at work or at play, do not think you can fool those around you by your new behaviours unless you can bring the real package to the table.

So there you have it! My look back into the mirror for 2010, and some thoughts around the key aspects of my work and past times which have stood out for me. They will guide me in my year ahead, in the change of business direction that I’m starting to take, and in the friendships and alliances both old and new. They are a gentle reminder of what’s important for me – and if I don’t know myself first above all else, what kind of resource can I really ever be?