How to choose the ideal wedding ceremony venue!

I was delighted to be asked to be a Guest Blogger for a wonderful website www.beautilicious40bride.co.uk

The site is aimed at anyone aged 40 or over who's tying the knot!

My blog talks about how to choose the most perfect wedding venue......but I also share a little insight into my own wedding from June this year!

Take a look at  http://www.beautilicious40bride.co.uk/looking-at-wedding-venues-for-your-civil-wedding-dont-follow-the-rest/

.........and thanks to Janet from Beautilicious 40 Bride, for asking me to contribute to her most amazing website!

xCarole

My Top 5 Frequently Asked Questions!

Over the last few months, I’ve been busy with a range of ceremonies…..celebrations involving the arrival of new life through to the end of life.

Each ceremony is as unique as the person or the couple at the heart of it all……and I’m just as precious about my next ceremony …….as I was when I did my first!.

But there’s been a trend to some of the questions that families ask me – and I thought I’d share the top 5 with you……..and my answers!

1          What made you go into this then?

Firstly, a very dear friend told me some years ago, that she thought I’d be good at taking civil funerals…..that I just had ‘a way’ about me that would suit it.  I knew nothing about the role at the time and because I was forging ahead with my Consultancy career, I parked it - but never forgot her wisdom!  She’s one of those friends who rarely proffers her own opinion….but when she does, it’s worth waiting for!

I then went to a friend’s funeral and my heart sank at the kind of service they had.  They deserved so much more.  They had a life that should have been celebrated and recognised.  Instead they got a sombre passage into another era.  At that time, I just thought I could have given more.  But more importantly, I left that service wanting to give more.  The rest is history!

2          How do you not cry at funerals…..how do you hold it together?

I always thought I would cry.  But I don’t.  When I first went into this role I asked the same question of my Mum…….”Mum……what if I cry?”   Her answer was short and succinct……”Well if you do Carole…..then you’re in the wrong job!”

I want to give the best possible service I can and that means 100% devotion to delivery.  I believe that’s what mourners want from someone who leads them through one of the most difficult days of their life.  They need someone who is empathetic, yes.  But they need someone to give them direction and to lead them with strength and honest courage.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy.  I’ve shed subtle tears with many a bereaved person.  But it’s  saved for the right  time and place.

3          Are you busy?

That’s an interesting question because I think it’s subjective.  I’m as busy as I want to be!  I know some Celebrants in other counties who are delivering over 10 funerals a week – for me that would just be way too many!  A Celebrant’s week involves funeral services during the week days and Baby Namings, Vow Renewals or Weddings at week-ends – so you do have to get the balance.

I know I would be ‘too busy’ when I sense the quality of my ceremonies is suffering and I’m consciously aware of not allowing that to ever happen!

4          You can legally marry people or take civil partnerships then?

I cannot legally marry anyone!  You do still need a Registrar to conduct the legal side of marriage or a Civil Partnership.  But a Celebrant can take the ceremonial aspect of the marriage or partnership at any time and any place.

This means that the couple choose to take their two witnesses to the Register Office and conduct the minimum legal requirements to make them lawfully married or bound in a partnership.   That  involves some short statements and the signing of the register.  They then save the vows, exchange of rings, readings, music and much more, for their personalised wedding or partnership.  I’ve blogged on this before and the following link explains this in more detail http://www.sinceremoments.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html

5          You’re a Humanist then?

No.  A Humanist would not allow the inclusion of any aspect of religion into their ceremonies.  Non-religious ceremonies means just that - the total exclusion of rituals such as hymns or prayers.

A Civil Celebrant will warmly and openly include spiritual or religious aspects in ceremonies, if that’s what families choose.

My take on this is simple.  I don’t believe the world is so black and white for it to be as simple as religious or not religious.  There has to be room for the grey – and Civil Celebrants openly accommodate this.

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The other question that raises its head from time to time is “What were you doing before this?”

Now that’s a whole new story.  But take a peek at my Linkedin profile for a snapshot of where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to over the years!

http://uk.linkedin.com/in/carolerenshawsinceremoments

When someone says that they 'enjoyed' a funeral - isn't that OK?

In my world - yes it is!  But more often than not, the use of the word 'enjoy' has a slightly different context.

Funerals are our last and final chance to say goodbye.  They have the potential to create new memories that stay with us for our lifetime.  Done badly - and they become a draining echo.

It's not unusual for mourners to come up to me after a service, to say how much they enjoyed it.  Sometimes they feel inwardly apologetic for the use of the word 'enjoy'.  Other times I see them frowning and hear them asking themselves if that's the right word to use.  It's almost like they feel uncomfortable to be able to enjoy such a sad occasion.

And when I chat a little further with them, enjoying the funeral was all about:

• Hearing about the deceased in a way that was true to them - "...it was John through and through...."
• Knowing that the funeral was taken in a way, that the person themselves would have loved.
• Providing an emotive experience from start to finish - "......I enjoyed every minute of it........."
• Learning something new about the person they've lost.

So I think it's OK to enjoy a funeral!  It doesn't mean we're roaring around with laughter.  It means that in a silent and personal way, mourners are individually finding connections that mean something to them, that they will forever remember.  It just so happens that in the context of a funeral - that's described as enjoyment!

So let's not feel humble or guilty at enjoying funerals - however that gets interpreted!

If we've helped someone to remember a great life.............to emphasise memories that get embedded deep inside.........and to walk away feeling warm, settled and at ease - then that'a funeral well done in my mind!

Getting going on Vow Writing - It's all about thinking first!

So you've decided to Renew your Vows!

You know you have complete freedom to say whatever you want to say!

But guess what?..........you can't get going!

Writing those first few words is the hardest thing for anyone to do - especially when you've got a blank sheet of paper staring you in the face.

Can you remember what you said last time?  Do you want to say the same vows or rewrite them altogether?  You may even want to do a 'pick-n-mix' - and select a bit of the old and and a little of something new.

So here's my starter for ten to get you going......and it's not about writing......it's about thinking first!

• Work in the past, present and future.

Think about how you felt those many years ago and how you felt saying your vows then.  Is there any element that stands out for you that you want to bring forward, to make sure it continues.

Then be 'in the moment' and think about what you have today with the other person.  Things you'd like to thank them for........surprises and challenges along the way............where you've both got to in life.

Then step ahead into your future - whatever that might look like! What do you want to make sure happens for the two of you?   How does your wider social and family life look in the future for the two of you and what do you both need to get there? If it was the best relationship it could be.....what needs to happen to get you there?

• Get hold of some Post-it-Pads - this bit is all about feelings and gut instinct!

Write down on as many words as you can to describe how you feel about the other person - use one Post-it for each word.  When you think you've come to the end......stop......think.....and then just write one more down that comes to mind.

Now put them all in front of you and take out your top 5 that have greatest meaning for you - you will want to negotiate.....you will want to swap and change....but you begin to get a feel for what's important.  I often do this exercise with couples who are struggling to find the words to write their own vows - it's a simple exercise that just draws out feelings....and it's amazing how quickly the vows emerge after it!

• Think of a sandwich

When you put your Vows together, think of it as though you're making a sandwich.  A thin slice to start .....lots of filling......and a final slice to top it off.  The final vow you make should in some way bring all of the other vows together to give a clear, memorable ending.  It's the finale!

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So there you have it - 3 Top Tips to get you going on writing your Vows.  The golden rule is to do plenty of thinking and playing around first!  Often this feels the most unproductive part of writing......but it's what makes your ideas flow much easier.

 

Your vows are personal to you.  They're the main focus of the ceremony.........Enjoy creating and promising them - they deserve the air space after so much hard work and thought!

XCarole

So what really needs to happen to make two people legally married?

Opting for a civil wedding or partnership?

Then don't feel that you're stuck with the standard corporate packages that licensed venues offer.  Don't accept either, that you're only other option for the ceremony, is to do it all at a Register Office.  There is another way to celebrate one of the most important days of your life and for it to be designed all around you!

Go and register the marriage/partnership and do the bare minimum legal requirements to make your marriage/partnership legal - then come away and hold your ceremony absolutely anywhere.  And here's the big difference......write your own vows.......and exchange your rings using the words that matter most to you.

Let's answer a very simple question? - what really needs to happen to make two people legally married?

• Firstly, there are what we call, Declaratory Words,  that need to be said:

 "I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I ..................................may not be joined in matrimony to ........................................"

• Secondly, there are what we call, Contracting Words, that need to be said:

"I call upon these persons here present, to witness that I.................................do take thee.......................to be my lawful wedded husband/wife.

• And finally thirdly, you will need two witnesses and the attending Registrar to then sign the Register.

And that's it!  The exchange of rings and vows are purely ceremonial - they have no legal standing whatsoever and can be performed anywhere.


So imagine it now!  

You go and register your marriage, taking those three legal steps.  You then come away and get ready for the ceremony either that day or on a later day.  You can have this where you want and at a time you want - at sunset even if that's a special time for you.  You write your own vows and exchange your rings in your own way.  That's what makes it so special - so unique - so memorable - so unlike any other wedding ceremony.


And to make all of this happen and guide you through? - You need a Civil Celebrant who:

• Can pull it all together for you and who knows the 'ins and outs' of the process.
• Will meet with you when and where is best for you, as you do the early design work.
• Can design and lead the most memorable day you can imagine.
• Will deliver a ceremony like no other - simply because the two of you are like no other!

So if you're getting married and want to do something different - think about separating the legal aspects of your marriage from the ceremonial activities. 

Then have a chat with a Celebrant - you'll be surprised at just how personal, creative and emotive your day really can be!

When the time comes.....what is it that really matters about life?

I'm at the end of a busy week...........taking ceremonies about new life, right through to our endings.  That's just the landscape of a Celebrant's diary!

So I'm in quite a reflective mood.  

For me, this funeral poem just sums up what life's all about and it's one that a family used in a service I led recently.  At the end of the day, what is it that really matters?

Not, how did he die, but how did he live?

Not, what did he gain, but what did he give?

These are the units to measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of his birth.

Nor what what his church, nor what was his creed?

Was he ever ready, with word of good cheer?

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,

But how many were sorry when he passed away? 

The poem has no author - it's anonymous.  But it does get us to question the meaning of life and how people measure us for our worth?

I wonder how many would be sorry if I passed away?

Let's not divide the market between religious & non-religious!

This is one of those topics which I've blogged on before.........but I'm stepping into it again because it's raising its' head constantly!

 "I am religious........but that was the best service I've ever been to!"

I'm coming to the conclusion more and more, that non-religious and semi-religious ceremonies like the ones I deliver, are nothing at all to do with the debate about religion!  They're about providing a service which celebrates a one-off occasion in a way that captures the essence of personlisation in its truest form.  That's what my ceremonies do........they're all about the person or the couple at the heart of all the emotion!

• Can you be religious and feel OK about choosing a personalised ceremony? 
• Can you dip into personalised ceremonies at major points in life's journey and dip back into religion?
• Can those working in the religious and non-religious industries work side by side on this?

My short answer to any of these questions is yes!

I'm seeing and hearing more and more people, opting for these types of ceremonies - simply because they have the hallmark of being a wonderfully personalised and unique celebration.  They're written completely around the person or the family.  And the person buying the service has total copyright over what's said and what's not said - not the person leading the service!

For me, it's less about dividing the market between religion and non-religion........it's about giving people what they want!  And that's crystal clear for me - people want:

• A professionally written and delivered ceremony
• Complete control over the content
• A unique ceremony that will never be repeated for anyone else!  
• Someone who will make the 30-40 minute ceremony stand out like no other!

Personal beliefs and values in life are important - I'm not advocating their withdrawal.  

I just have a belief myself, that non-religious ceremonies are nothing to do with whether you're religious or not - they're about choice and celebration on some of the most important days of your life!