Backs of Heads........Brick Walls........Daylight.....3 top tips for things to think about when you're booking your Wedding Ceremony venue!

When I'm delivering a wedding ceremony, I'm mindful from start to finish.......of bringing everyone's minds into what's going on.   Guests are not there to just watch you do something.............if it was that simple we'd just send them a You Tube link after the event!  Each of them are with you because you decided they should be there.........and each one of them needs to feel your emotion on the day.

Your guests and how they feel about the ceremony..........is just as important as the vows you make to each other......and how you yourselves feel afterwards.  What your guests say long after the celebration, will be a tribute to how you made them feel part of it!

I'm always thinking of the senses!.......hear, see, feel, smell and taste.  And as much as I write to hit all of those senses, the venue plays a big part.

So before you turn the key in your car to go off in search of the ideal venue, here are 3 top things to mull over.  They're  little things........but they'll make such a huge difference for you, your guests and how your ceremony's perceived!

• What's so good about looking at the back of your heads? 

Why do people think that guests just want to look at the back of your heads?  We want to see you smile, laugh and cry.......We want to feel what you're going through!  We want to see your lips move to the words you say!...........Make sure your venue can seat your guests so that they can see you............Try the 'horseshoe' style!...........But whatever seating arrangements you go for.........we want to be able to smile with you......we want to cry when you do! 

• Why do you want to look at a blank wall?

When you're taking your vows with the love of your life...........why do you want a wall staring you in the face?   Wouldn't you much rather look out to beautiful scenery, a bright blue sky.......frost covered fields.............or tumbling snow?  Our minds work differently when we can visualise ............when we can imagine.  Walls block out your thinking!........And yet I've seen so many licensed venues who position their couples facing walls.......it's just lazy and poor event management skills!

• Why are you in a room with no natural daylight?

I've seen this in Register Offices and licensed venues too!  Everyone is escorted into a room with closed walls and no natural daylight........The only thing that lets you know that there's an outside.....is the exit door!

Natural daylight provides energy, even if we can only see it.  It makes us breath differently.  It helps us to visualise.  If I was offered a room at a venue with no windows, I would turn that booking down.  I've done enough training functions in my time, to know just how exhausted and depleted people feel when they're 'boxed in' ......no matter how long or short the event is.  Your ceremony is only half an hour - you owe it to everyone to make it the best half hour that you can!

So if you're off to visit a venue for any kind of ceremony, try following these three top tips!  Baby Namings, Vow Renewals, Weddings and Funerals......are all about emotion.  And what triggers our emotional button is the senses..........let them see light!

Carole

My Top 5 Frequently Asked Questions!

Over the last few months, I’ve been busy with a range of ceremonies…..celebrations involving the arrival of new life through to the end of life.

Each ceremony is as unique as the person or the couple at the heart of it all……and I’m just as precious about my next ceremony …….as I was when I did my first!.

But there’s been a trend to some of the questions that families ask me – and I thought I’d share the top 5 with you……..and my answers!

1          What made you go into this then?

Firstly, a very dear friend told me some years ago, that she thought I’d be good at taking civil funerals…..that I just had ‘a way’ about me that would suit it.  I knew nothing about the role at the time and because I was forging ahead with my Consultancy career, I parked it - but never forgot her wisdom!  She’s one of those friends who rarely proffers her own opinion….but when she does, it’s worth waiting for!

I then went to a friend’s funeral and my heart sank at the kind of service they had.  They deserved so much more.  They had a life that should have been celebrated and recognised.  Instead they got a sombre passage into another era.  At that time, I just thought I could have given more.  But more importantly, I left that service wanting to give more.  The rest is history!

2          How do you not cry at funerals…..how do you hold it together?

I always thought I would cry.  But I don’t.  When I first went into this role I asked the same question of my Mum…….”Mum……what if I cry?”   Her answer was short and succinct……”Well if you do Carole…..then you’re in the wrong job!”

I want to give the best possible service I can and that means 100% devotion to delivery.  I believe that’s what mourners want from someone who leads them through one of the most difficult days of their life.  They need someone who is empathetic, yes.  But they need someone to give them direction and to lead them with strength and honest courage.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy.  I’ve shed subtle tears with many a bereaved person.  But it’s  saved for the right  time and place.

3          Are you busy?

That’s an interesting question because I think it’s subjective.  I’m as busy as I want to be!  I know some Celebrants in other counties who are delivering over 10 funerals a week – for me that would just be way too many!  A Celebrant’s week involves funeral services during the week days and Baby Namings, Vow Renewals or Weddings at week-ends – so you do have to get the balance.

I know I would be ‘too busy’ when I sense the quality of my ceremonies is suffering and I’m consciously aware of not allowing that to ever happen!

4          You can legally marry people or take civil partnerships then?

I cannot legally marry anyone!  You do still need a Registrar to conduct the legal side of marriage or a Civil Partnership.  But a Celebrant can take the ceremonial aspect of the marriage or partnership at any time and any place.

This means that the couple choose to take their two witnesses to the Register Office and conduct the minimum legal requirements to make them lawfully married or bound in a partnership.   That  involves some short statements and the signing of the register.  They then save the vows, exchange of rings, readings, music and much more, for their personalised wedding or partnership.  I’ve blogged on this before and the following link explains this in more detail http://www.sinceremoments.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html

5          You’re a Humanist then?

No.  A Humanist would not allow the inclusion of any aspect of religion into their ceremonies.  Non-religious ceremonies means just that - the total exclusion of rituals such as hymns or prayers.

A Civil Celebrant will warmly and openly include spiritual or religious aspects in ceremonies, if that’s what families choose.

My take on this is simple.  I don’t believe the world is so black and white for it to be as simple as religious or not religious.  There has to be room for the grey – and Civil Celebrants openly accommodate this.

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The other question that raises its head from time to time is “What were you doing before this?”

Now that’s a whole new story.  But take a peek at my Linkedin profile for a snapshot of where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to over the years!

http://uk.linkedin.com/in/carolerenshawsinceremoments

Getting going on Vow Writing - It's all about thinking first!

So you've decided to Renew your Vows!

You know you have complete freedom to say whatever you want to say!

But guess what?..........you can't get going!

Writing those first few words is the hardest thing for anyone to do - especially when you've got a blank sheet of paper staring you in the face.

Can you remember what you said last time?  Do you want to say the same vows or rewrite them altogether?  You may even want to do a 'pick-n-mix' - and select a bit of the old and and a little of something new.

So here's my starter for ten to get you going......and it's not about writing......it's about thinking first!

• Work in the past, present and future.

Think about how you felt those many years ago and how you felt saying your vows then.  Is there any element that stands out for you that you want to bring forward, to make sure it continues.

Then be 'in the moment' and think about what you have today with the other person.  Things you'd like to thank them for........surprises and challenges along the way............where you've both got to in life.

Then step ahead into your future - whatever that might look like! What do you want to make sure happens for the two of you?   How does your wider social and family life look in the future for the two of you and what do you both need to get there? If it was the best relationship it could be.....what needs to happen to get you there?

• Get hold of some Post-it-Pads - this bit is all about feelings and gut instinct!

Write down on as many words as you can to describe how you feel about the other person - use one Post-it for each word.  When you think you've come to the end......stop......think.....and then just write one more down that comes to mind.

Now put them all in front of you and take out your top 5 that have greatest meaning for you - you will want to negotiate.....you will want to swap and change....but you begin to get a feel for what's important.  I often do this exercise with couples who are struggling to find the words to write their own vows - it's a simple exercise that just draws out feelings....and it's amazing how quickly the vows emerge after it!

• Think of a sandwich

When you put your Vows together, think of it as though you're making a sandwich.  A thin slice to start .....lots of filling......and a final slice to top it off.  The final vow you make should in some way bring all of the other vows together to give a clear, memorable ending.  It's the finale!

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So there you have it - 3 Top Tips to get you going on writing your Vows.  The golden rule is to do plenty of thinking and playing around first!  Often this feels the most unproductive part of writing......but it's what makes your ideas flow much easier.

 

Your vows are personal to you.  They're the main focus of the ceremony.........Enjoy creating and promising them - they deserve the air space after so much hard work and thought!

XCarole

When the time comes.....what is it that really matters about life?

I'm at the end of a busy week...........taking ceremonies about new life, right through to our endings.  That's just the landscape of a Celebrant's diary!

So I'm in quite a reflective mood.  

For me, this funeral poem just sums up what life's all about and it's one that a family used in a service I led recently.  At the end of the day, what is it that really matters?

Not, how did he die, but how did he live?

Not, what did he gain, but what did he give?

These are the units to measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of his birth.

Nor what what his church, nor what was his creed?

Was he ever ready, with word of good cheer?

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,

But how many were sorry when he passed away? 

The poem has no author - it's anonymous.  But it does get us to question the meaning of life and how people measure us for our worth?

I wonder how many would be sorry if I passed away?

"Now when you get it - ignore the grammar and punctuation! It's written to be heard and not read........."

Whoever I'm working with on the design of a ceremony or a service, you'll hear me at some point explaining how the draft is likely to look.

This is because I'm preparing them for a piece of writing that is coming through that will at times look odd. It will at various points feel awkward to read...........And I can guarantee that it would fail any academic english language or grammar test! The reason is simple. My ceremonies are written to be 'heard' and not 'read'.

When I'm presenting a service whether that be a funeral, a renewal of vows or perhaps a baby naming ceremony - then the language, pace, tone, punctuation and overall presentation carries just as much weight, if not more sometimes, than the actual written content. Writing to be 'heard' is very different from writing pieces that are to be read and digested. When you're writing to be heard, you're writing for immmediate impact!

In my design work I make more use of language patterns. I systematically hit all of the senses. I speak in colour as well as in 'black and white'. I draw from the past as well as take people into the future. I talk 'big picture' alongside the detail.........and lots more. It all goes to putting together a ceremony that is engaging, interesting and unforgettable.

Your ceremonies are a one off experience. You won't get a second chance to run them again. So make sure you use a celebrant that's experienced in creative writing and presenting. It's the only way to guarantee great design and delivery of your ceremony.

When choosing a reading is like baking a cake!

In designing ceremonies, there is nearly always the opportunity to include readings, poems or other verses - they're great opportunities to reinforce a message or special meaning for you.

But if you're gearing towards having one or more of these in your ceremony, then don't get hung up too early on which one to choose! Often when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm asked to bring along examples for them to look through. But I immediately steer away from this approach and encourage people to focus more on:

• Understanding the key message behind the ceremony or service.
  
• Learning about the personal values and beliefs around whom the ceremony is written.
• Thinking about how you want your guests to feel about the service.
• Is there anyone you have in mind to do the reading and are they a good speaker?- A great reading can flop through poor delivery!
  

I then come away and match the readings to these essential ingredients. If you're baking a cake, you wouldn't go out and buy vanilla essence for a strawberry pavlova! Then don't go and choose a reading until you've decided on the meaning of the ceremony and the key message you want people to leave with.

A reading, verse or poem should be included because it adds value to the ceremony - not because there's time for it or because 'that's what others have done'. So if you're using a Celebrant who just shows you a library of collections - then think again! But if you're using a Celebrant who shows you a short-list of appropriate samples - then there's been more thought and consideration into the design and the ceremony is sure to be a winner!