'Jumping over the broom' and 'Tying the knot'

'Do you have to be married to do this?

This morning I was taking a capuccino moment in my local coffee house. I was struck by an article in the Daily Telegraph around the differences between the option of living together versus marriage. The extract stood out for me, not because of any new revelation, but because it made me think more and more about the rituals of ceremonies and their symbolic impact on life.

My thoughts meandered into the implications of a wedding ceremony and how couples who choose to live together without marriage, miss such a significant event!

Now some will say that this is fine. Others will assume that the couple have not made that final move into a sustainable relationship. I don't advocate any right or wrong here as my own values on life take me to believe that everyone has the right to exercise their choice! But there is something about us as a society that values rituals, celebrations and symbolic acts. And wedding ceremonies are an example of just that!

So how would it feel if there was an option for couples living together, to create their own ceremonial affairs. We all need things to commemorate and be proud of - that's just part of being human.

There is no reason why two people could not celebrate their union without the formality and legality of marriage. We could start thinking about:

• Committment ceremonies to mark special anniversaries and milestones.
• Celebrating the moment when two people decide to set up home together in much the same way as we celebrate two people 'jumping over the broom'.
• Applying the concept of 'tying the knot' for two people, as we do in marriage.

Just because two people have chosen not to take their relationship into a legally married status, does not mean that they cannot take a ceremonial approach to their lives. The conduct of legal affairs and the design and running of ceremonies, are two completeley separate issues. And for many that is a perfectly acceptable way of living their lives.


So let's think much more creatively. Ceremonies are there to be experienced by us all. We just need to have the open mind to apply them more liberally!

When weaving in bits of religion can work best?

People often find me or are signposted to me, because of their choice to have a non-religious ceremony or service. In most cases, those same people are heartened to know that they can in fact build in elements of religion, if that is their choice.

Now if I was a humanist celebrant – such an offer would not be on the table. But I’m not a humanist and it is indeed on offer – the joys of choosing the ‘independent’ stance to my professional training!

I’m finding that this approach is attractive to people, when they start thinking about who will be attending the ceremony or service as guests. Often if there are religious members of the family or friends, then weaving in an element of religion can be a way of making a connection and helping them to feel involved. There is nothing worse for a guest than feeling like a passive bystander whilst everything is going on around them.

There are some respectful ways of bringing religion into ceremonies without it dictating the whole event:-

• Singing an appropriate hymn at a funeral service.

• Finding space for a special reading at a Wedding or Renewal of Vows.

• Allowing time for private prayers during moments of reflection.

As a Celebrant, I aim to create and facilitate ceremonies that put the spotlight where it needs to be, whilst ensuring all guests leave feeling involved, engaged, and connected to the celebration. And sometimes we can get there with a little ‘pick n mix’!

As ever the choice is entirely yours – but thinking about your guests might need to be on your check list!

When a wedding ceremony just has to be different!

As I talk with more and more people about how different their wedding ceremonies can look, I’m beginning to realise that tradition is such a powerful tool!

The yearning to hang onto as much tradition as we can, wrapped with the choice to have designer’s freedom for ceremonies seems to be a common thread of my chats. There is nothing wrong with this at all but using a Celebrant for your wedding ceremony can help build in the best of both worlds.

Take a look at this most unusual marriage proposal – and then look out for the glint of tradition that brings warmth and sincerity to the whole affair.





Now with this particular couple, you would imagine that their wedding ceremony is going to be something quite different and unique. If they were in the UK, I’d be encouraging them to go and do the basic legal necessities at a register office – over and done with in 15 minutes and so impersonal.

Then reach for the stars and design a ceremony that brings all of the ‘wow’ and fragility of romance that these two deserve. With snippets of tradition wrapped with elements of curious design, these two could take their ceremony wherever they want, when they want and have with them whom they want – all without the restrictions of licensed venues or offices. On top of that, add the ability to write your own vows and you have the making of something quite incredible!

Answers on a postcard – it’s called a Civil Wedding Ceremony!

Choosing a celebrant worth their weight in gold!

So you’ve made a decision. You want to renew your wedding vows. You know when and where but you don’t know how!

You’re told that you need a ‘Celebrant’. Chances are you’ve never heard of this before and don’t know where to start – but you have a vague idea that they conduct the ceremony!

Here are my 5 tops tips for choosing the right Celebrant to design, write and lead your ceremony:

• Make sure they’re happy to meet with you to chat about your thoughts – and this should be without obligation and more importantly without cost!


• Find out their experience before becoming a Celebrant – and look out for plenty of experience of working with people and great facilitation and writing skills
  


• Make sure they’re accredited through a recognised Celebrancy body.
  


• Ask to speak with other people who have used their services and who are happy to recommend them.
  


• Check out their website and make sure it gives you the right feel for the kind of person you’re looking for.

And if you’ve got this far and have all the ticks in the boxes, then chances are you’re on the road to making a sound decision. Celebrants worth their weight in gold should be giving you all of this. As ever, my advice is to go with your gut instinct!

Now enjoy the ceremony and those special moments just waiting to happen!

It’s not my world that’s most important here!

Whether I’m working in organisations through my consultancy work, or sitting next to a family recently bereaved who I’m providing a funeral service for, I’m dealing with people! At those moments in time, I’m not nor should I be, the centre of discussion – It’s the people around me and their view of the world that takes centre stage.

If there were a couple of rapport building tips I could give out on a postcard – they’re based around the starting point of giving power to the other person’s world before your own.

• Be curious to listen before throwing your own views into the pot.
• Have a sense of compassion and empathy of the other world before your own.
• Begin to understand and play in the other playground, before you kick your own ball around.

Think of the last time you felt unheard, not listened to, or totally misunderstood. My guessing is that the conversation gave you little or no airspace!

Try something different today! Just stop and press the pause button with those conversations you have over the next 24 hours! Give a little more time and energy into understanding the other viewpoint and story – and then see how much richer and more powerful those conversations become for you.

Even William and Kate show how to make the best use of vows on their wedding day!

I’m having some really interesting conversations at the moment around the wedding ceremony side of my new business: –

“What? You really can write your own vows for a wedding?”

And we see this in a small way right now, in the words that William and Kate have decided to use in their statement of vows. Kate ‘will not obey’ – but the words chosen have been to ‘….love, comfort, honour and keep…..’

Wedding ceremonies are occasions that celebrate the new life of a couple that intend to spend the rest of their lives together through marriage. The vows and the exchange of rings are purely ceremonial and can be in any form or combination that suit the newly married couple. Any professional celebrant worth their weight in gold, can help a couple write their vows in a way that makes them unique, special and wrapped entirely around the wishes of the couple.

In legal terms, there are only three things that need to happen to form a legal marriage – and whether you like it or not, they simply have to be said and witnessed:

Declaratory Words:

I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (your full name) may not be joined in matrimony to (your partner’s full name)

Contracting Words:

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (your full name), do take thee, (your partner’s full name), to be my lawful wedding wife (or husband)

And of course you need two independent witnesses to sign the register.

Outside of this, your ceremony can be where you want; how you want; and when you want – so long as the legal side of the marriage is taken care of separately.

I’ve just had the most enlightening and inspiring conversation with the Father of a Bride to be, about putting together a creative wedding ceremony for his one and only daughter. News just out is that it’s going to be at sunset! In the middle of his field….. And with everyone around to see and hear the most perfect vows you could imagine written for this special couple!

If you’re wedding is coming up……if you’ve recently got engaged……..just stop and press the pause button. Imagine the day and ceremony of your dreams – then talk with a professionally trained celebrant to help make those dreams come true!

Don’t get frazzled with the route map to change!

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity are all natural hallmarks of major change.

The imminent beginning of a new business. The redundancy payment from a life long career. The separation from a long and winding relationship. The beginnings of something new. The endings of something meaningful. Whether you’re looking over your shoulder at someone else, or straight ahead in your own direction, there are elements of change happening all around us.

What has struck me most over the last month or so through my conversations with individuals and my own business refocus, is the reminder of the stages we go through before we reach our final destination on that journey – Challenge, Confusion and Clarity:

• The Challenge to our thinking and the decisions easy or difficult that we have to reach -or those decisions we have to work with when they have been made by someone else.

• The Confusion over the rationale, logic or intuition that constantly takes us 3 steps forward and 2 back.

• The Clarity we long to reach that hitherto brings calm, resolve and revitalisation.

What I have become clear on after years of experience of working with people and looking back at myself, is that all 3 stages are equally important. You cannot reach Clarity until you have been through the murky waters of Confusion. And without Challenge, the final outcome may not be the most deserved.

For many, working through these phases becomes a logical step by step approach. For some, they may dart backwards and forwards like minnows. On occasions, the journey along all 3 is very short. For many, the period becomes arduous, turgid and draining - feeling almost like quicksand.

But my message is simple - accept the phases that occur as they are natural. Do not be too quick too reach clarity as you may miss something vital if you have not truly worked through the muddy waters. Find ways of coping during times of confusion – as what will emerge from this when you least expect it, is the answer to your most profound question. Our minds work in mysterious ways and somehow just seem to fathom out the unexpected for us.

There is an art in working this treadmill. My number one ingredient is to know yourself above all else (a recurrent theme in my writings I know!) and be able to spot where you are. Nobody else will do this for you – after all you can’t expect people to read your mind can you?.

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity - just part of the route map to change. Grow to accept it wherever you are!