It’s not my world that’s most important here!

Whether I’m working in organisations through my consultancy work, or sitting next to a family recently bereaved who I’m providing a funeral service for, I’m dealing with people! At those moments in time, I’m not nor should I be, the centre of discussion – It’s the people around me and their view of the world that takes centre stage.

If there were a couple of rapport building tips I could give out on a postcard – they’re based around the starting point of giving power to the other person’s world before your own.

• Be curious to listen before throwing your own views into the pot.
• Have a sense of compassion and empathy of the other world before your own.
• Begin to understand and play in the other playground, before you kick your own ball around.

Think of the last time you felt unheard, not listened to, or totally misunderstood. My guessing is that the conversation gave you little or no airspace!

Try something different today! Just stop and press the pause button with those conversations you have over the next 24 hours! Give a little more time and energy into understanding the other viewpoint and story – and then see how much richer and more powerful those conversations become for you.

Even William and Kate show how to make the best use of vows on their wedding day!

I’m having some really interesting conversations at the moment around the wedding ceremony side of my new business: –

“What? You really can write your own vows for a wedding?”

And we see this in a small way right now, in the words that William and Kate have decided to use in their statement of vows. Kate ‘will not obey’ – but the words chosen have been to ‘….love, comfort, honour and keep…..’

Wedding ceremonies are occasions that celebrate the new life of a couple that intend to spend the rest of their lives together through marriage. The vows and the exchange of rings are purely ceremonial and can be in any form or combination that suit the newly married couple. Any professional celebrant worth their weight in gold, can help a couple write their vows in a way that makes them unique, special and wrapped entirely around the wishes of the couple.

In legal terms, there are only three things that need to happen to form a legal marriage – and whether you like it or not, they simply have to be said and witnessed:

Declaratory Words:

I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (your full name) may not be joined in matrimony to (your partner’s full name)

Contracting Words:

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (your full name), do take thee, (your partner’s full name), to be my lawful wedding wife (or husband)

And of course you need two independent witnesses to sign the register.

Outside of this, your ceremony can be where you want; how you want; and when you want – so long as the legal side of the marriage is taken care of separately.

I’ve just had the most enlightening and inspiring conversation with the Father of a Bride to be, about putting together a creative wedding ceremony for his one and only daughter. News just out is that it’s going to be at sunset! In the middle of his field….. And with everyone around to see and hear the most perfect vows you could imagine written for this special couple!

If you’re wedding is coming up……if you’ve recently got engaged……..just stop and press the pause button. Imagine the day and ceremony of your dreams – then talk with a professionally trained celebrant to help make those dreams come true!

Don’t get frazzled with the route map to change!

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity are all natural hallmarks of major change.

The imminent beginning of a new business. The redundancy payment from a life long career. The separation from a long and winding relationship. The beginnings of something new. The endings of something meaningful. Whether you’re looking over your shoulder at someone else, or straight ahead in your own direction, there are elements of change happening all around us.

What has struck me most over the last month or so through my conversations with individuals and my own business refocus, is the reminder of the stages we go through before we reach our final destination on that journey – Challenge, Confusion and Clarity:

• The Challenge to our thinking and the decisions easy or difficult that we have to reach -or those decisions we have to work with when they have been made by someone else.

• The Confusion over the rationale, logic or intuition that constantly takes us 3 steps forward and 2 back.

• The Clarity we long to reach that hitherto brings calm, resolve and revitalisation.

What I have become clear on after years of experience of working with people and looking back at myself, is that all 3 stages are equally important. You cannot reach Clarity until you have been through the murky waters of Confusion. And without Challenge, the final outcome may not be the most deserved.

For many, working through these phases becomes a logical step by step approach. For some, they may dart backwards and forwards like minnows. On occasions, the journey along all 3 is very short. For many, the period becomes arduous, turgid and draining - feeling almost like quicksand.

But my message is simple - accept the phases that occur as they are natural. Do not be too quick too reach clarity as you may miss something vital if you have not truly worked through the muddy waters. Find ways of coping during times of confusion – as what will emerge from this when you least expect it, is the answer to your most profound question. Our minds work in mysterious ways and somehow just seem to fathom out the unexpected for us.

There is an art in working this treadmill. My number one ingredient is to know yourself above all else (a recurrent theme in my writings I know!) and be able to spot where you are. Nobody else will do this for you – after all you can’t expect people to read your mind can you?.

Challenge, Confusion and Clarity - just part of the route map to change. Grow to accept it wherever you are!

A man on a train. A quick conversation. A day of reflection.

I’d like to introduce you to a man who just stopped and made me think!

You know when you just listen to someone and feel humility? When someone says something that makes you think about life in general……..Well yesterday that very thing happened to me.

Imagine a busy morning commuting train – this one was taking me to Birmingham. You can probably hear the hustle and bustle of passengers and the mutterings that develop in the carriages. If I’m honest, I tend to sit and listen most of the times. But yesterday, this amazing elderly man seated next to me started one of those very conversations with me. He had no idea of his impact. But he made me feel humble. In the space of 40 minutes, he was about to influence my thinking for the rest of the day.

Here was a man who had lost his wife just over 20 years ago. But here was a man too, that had decided all those many years ago, that the status quo of having ‘nothing to do’ was not an option for him. So here’s what left me feeling so humble:

• He wondered if he could take up cycling – and became proficient in cycling 100 miles a day with no more than a map in hand. He has a list of B&Bs in his pocket for his ‘stop offs’.
• He enjoyed using his hands so he learnt calligraphy – and became so good at it that he now teaches it every Tuesday.
• He saw no point in sitting next to somebody for 40 minutes without making some form of conversation – why miss an opportunity to learn something whatever that might be?

I’d like to introduce you to Eddie.

Eddie left me feeling humble. He had achieved some big changes after such a sad occasion. He left me feeling amazed that someone in the later stages of their life could cycle 100 miles a day. I became reflective as I thought about my own life and those around me.

We all know that major events in our lives can trigger a new chapter for us. Organisations often need a shock into their systems to trigger change, revitalisation or renewal. Eddie simply reminded me of just how effective this can be – even when the opportunity for change is driven by sad or tragic events. There is plenty of this in the world right now, but how it’s used for the greater good is a challenge to us all!


(The name of the man on the train has been substituted to ensure anonymity)

Holding the mirror up - Looking Back and Taking Stock!

So it’s that time of year again! – Where most journals, articles, discussions and thought patterns push us to reflect on the year gone by and gain some clarity on where we want to be for the next 12 months. But it’s not rocket science is it? Yet there is something about endings and beginnings which help us to do such a simple task!

So in the spirit of keeping in tradition, I like many others, have followed this very simple but powerful exercise. I’ve taken the opportunity to reflect on my consultancy work for 2010, on my relationships with friends, family and colleagues and on my hopes and desires for this year and beyond.

I know that many who read this will have probably already done the same. But for me it was important to get the frenzy of the festive season out of the way, and to gain a sense of balance again as I started to look back. One thing I have learnt over the years is that context and emotional state are key to the way we behave and think!

So whilst looking back and during my musings, doodlings and wanderings, I’ve found some emerging themes which will guide me for 2011 both in my work and personal space.

• Values

So important to the way we behave and think and so critical to the relationships we create in life, wherever they may be. When values conflict, tension and battles emerge so quickly. As individuals we need to be mindful of the level of trade off we’re prepared engage in - and when and how, values become ‘deal breakers’.

Whether at work or at play, know your values inside out as they’re your guiding lights!

• Being ‘Absent but Present’

I’ve been privileged to work with some wonderful people last year. One of the things that made them stand out was their ability to influence way beyond their actual presence in an organisation or crowd. Because of the respect, belief and value afforded to them, they’ve been able to have an impact on thinking, decisions and behaviours without being in the immediate physical space. Being ‘absent but present’ is not an overnight trait that can be developed – it’s something that just emerges over time.

I’m sure you can think of those people right now who influence your thinking, your actions and your decisions, even when they are not physically with you. They’re not abundant in numbers but they just have something that makes them stand out.

Whether at work or at play, understand how far your influence stretches with people you are no longer physically with.

• Strengths Amplification

I’ve long been an avid admirer of Marcus Buckingham’s ideology about developing the best of yourself by focusing on your strengths and not weaknesses (www.marcusbuckingham.com). In all the public sector organisations I’ve worked with in my consultancy and salaried career, I’ve seen an innate drive to focus on the development of weaknesses rather than strengths. Complete waste of time in my view. Be clear on the strengths people bring to you in organisations or in your personal life – and develop and amplify those strengths beyond anything that you could have imagined. The fulfilment levels are immense and the results are incredible.

How do you feel yourself working on those areas that you’re not too good at? I’d guess that if we asked you to focus on the things you enjoy and are good at – that your energy levels would rise immediately – and with that so too would the results.

Whether at work or at play, be aware of your weaknesses for sure - but know your strengths and capitalise on them.

• The Long Game

Anything we do, say or think about today, has consequences for tomorrow, next year, the next decade. Our lives are a rippling timeline. If we really thought about our actions of today and how they affected the future play that has yet to be written, we’d do things differently. There is a ‘Long Game’ to everything that we’re part of – be smart enough to have this in your thinking as a route map.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating paralysis through analysis. But I see so many people in organisations making decisions that are right for today, but wholly incompatible for the future. I see emotional behaviours in relationships that will distort future harmony.

Whether at work or at play, remember you’re in the Long Game and keep that as your focus, rather than satisfying today’s worries.

• Authenticity

I leave this till last purposely. Because in all of the interactions we have with others, what is significant is the level of authenticity that is sublimely measured. When our behaviours and actions are not consistent with our values, others around us will feel that and will challenge our authenticity.

There is something inside all of us which sounds the alarm bells when we know someone is not being authentic. In organisations, the workforce will feel disassociation with those who are not true to themselves or their messages. We read and listen to far more than the words we hear when we interact - our body language gives so much away it’s frightening.

I’ve seen people in key roles in organisations who’ve had to take different courses of actions and lead with new behaviours at difficult times. What helped them through these times was the level of honesty, courage, conviction and humility that worked alongside them. This package led to a level of authenticity that grew without conscious nurturing. It’s a rare trait but once you have it, it tends to stick! And those that do have it, have an aura about them which is indescribable.

Whether at work or at play, do not think you can fool those around you by your new behaviours unless you can bring the real package to the table.

So there you have it! My look back into the mirror for 2010, and some thoughts around the key aspects of my work and past times which have stood out for me. They will guide me in my year ahead, in the change of business direction that I’m starting to take, and in the friendships and alliances both old and new. They are a gentle reminder of what’s important for me – and if I don’t know myself first above all else, what kind of resource can I really ever be?

Counselling and Coaching – Approaches as redundant as the workforce!

So we all know that the public sector reforms and efficiency drives are now well underway!.

For those employed in this sector, what lies ahead is complete uncertainty. Will l have a job? Where will I be? How will this affect my home life? What about all the hopes and dreams I have for myself and the people I care for?

If you’re in one of these organisations right now, and you’re leading and managing this massive slaughter – can I call upon you to think about how to best support staff for life after employment with you.

The traditional approach in organisational change is to provide very structured and equitable processes so that everyone is treated ‘fairly’ – a word we have heard so much of lately. And in the typical realms of a Human Resource philosophy we see things such as:

• Whole staff engagement exercises
• Organisational change frameworks and policies
• Offer of counselling and 1-2-1 support
• Provision of 1-2-1 coaching and wider career coaching
• Provision of funding for tailored educational courses

But in this new era of economic and global uncertainty – these approaches are as redundant as the workforce. For heavens sake, please don’t think that funding a degree or sending some one off to complete an NVQ is going to help them into the next job.

The traditional career development pathways of defined jobs and competences is being eroded – what we will have in its place are new ways of working that have yet to be designed. What we will need from the existing workforce is the ability to prepare themselves for a world where job titles have less meaning and where hierarchy becomes something of the past – so reminiscent of the public sector and so hard for many to give up.

So my challenge to organisations in the throes of all of this, is to think differently about how you support staff right now. Here are just 3 things that you might want to think about…….

• Forget the 1-2-1 coaching- it’s a waste of money in large scale change of this nature – go for group facilitation and inquiry to develop interpersonal skills, insightful questioning, creative decision making and self resilience. When people leave their organisations they need to have the ability to challenge themselves and others, and question their very being as social and work support structures start to diminish.

• Don’t waste resources by ploughing large sums of money into individual cases – you’ll be getting a much bigger return on your investment by funding collective development so that the benefit has far greater strategic reach and amplification. Have some ethics about how you discharge your final budget.

• Consider your staff as being larger than their ‘workselves’ – start preparing staff for life beyond their immediate employment. They are much more than a member of staff that walks through your doors each day – they have lives, dreams, ambitions and past times that already absorb a large chunk of their working day. Think about how you could help them to consider the opportunities that lie in all of these – and again use group facilitation and inquiry as a collective approach to share the learning and raise the spirit in everyone!

What I’m advocating here is to go outside of the standard HR approach to organisational change. It’s fine in local, discrete and for one-off episodes. But with the scale of what’s ahead both nationally and globally – the standard approach holds no favours for anyone.

Staff are going to have to be much more creative as they think about finding an income in the new world – surely organisations owe it to themselves and their workforce, to show how such creativity is achieved in the first place!

Raising your game – the power of insights from others!

How seriously do you take feedback?
Are you curious of how others find you?
Are you humble enough to sit and really listen, take in and reflect on your own way of being?

When we work with people on a regular basis, we begin to make a judgement on their behaviour and on how they make us feel. We might compare it to our own values. We might compare it to how we see others. But like it or not, when you walk through your organisation’s front doors and begin to develop working relationships with your colleagues and peers – someone is developing a view on you based on their own experiences of life, beliefs and implicit values.

Those views on the whole, go unheard. It’s territory that we tend not to venture into. And yet they can offer such insights into how we are perceived. With those insights, we’d have a real opportunity to raise our game and achieve the unimaginable!

I’ve been working with small groups of peers where we’ve introduced the opportunity to give feedback to each other in a considered, thoughtful and insightful way. It’s based around a simple framework that some practitioners would say is just too loose! But it offers those using it, the scope to go where they want with it – and it’s that freedom which people have loved about it.

Very simply, people give their feedback and observations to an individual following 3 simple statements:

• What you should do more of…..
• What you should do less of….
• What you should continue to do……

And in giving feedback, remember it’s not about the exchange of power, expertise or preferential treatment. It’s about giving an honest appreciation of what someone does well (more of), what they could minimise to achieve greater potential (less of) and what they should ensure that they keep in their toolkit (continue to do).

I’ve found it works best when:

• There’s high trust amongst the individuals.
• There’s collegiate respect amongst the individuals.
• There’s an environment of curiosity and humility to learn.
• People understand the difference between listening and hearing!
• Everyone is encouraged to speak into the backs of the eyes of the individual they are giving feedback to (this is more difficult than you would imagine. But try speaking into the eyes of someone next time you’re with them and you’ll see and feel the difference in the conversation!)

I could write a much fuller article about how this is run for individual and group gain – and would be happy to share ideas with anyone interested. But as ever, my view on feedback remains unchanged. It is the recipient of the feedback who has the choice to act on the feedback or not – the gift of exchange is simply in having the opportunity to receive it!