Want to speak at a wedding or funeral? Top tips to help manage the emotion!

I've blogged on this topic before, but I make no apologies for doing so again.  Standing up and speaking at weddings, funerals or the like, can give an enormous sense of fulfillment and reward for those able to get through it.

You don't need to be a great public speaker - if that's your day time job, then relinquish it for 2-3 minutes of the ceremony.   You just need to be a good communicator that can engage and build rapport quickly, in a room floodlit with emotion.  This isn't about getting messages across, it's about managing the silence.....the space.....the emotion that's whirling around.

If you've been asked to speak at a major life celebration event, then chances are your anxiety levels have already peaked just thinking about it.  You might be having night-after-night of broken sleep.  You've probably already stood in front of the mirror to see how you look and sound!

But saying yes and accepting the invitation is a great first step - why?...because there's no going back really is there?  

• So first of all, you've been asked to speak because you matter - so take some time to just reflect on how proud you should feel for that.  
• Secondly, you've been asked to speak because you have something important to say - which means you have something worth listenting to.
• Thirdly,  everyone loves to hear someone different to the main orator of a service - it brings 'real stories' back into a ceremony.

So you see, there's already every good reason for you to be up there.  So here are some top tips to help put your thoughts together and deliver them:

• When you get to your speaking lectern or table.....stop......look to everyone...hold your presence...and count yourself in.  Avoid the temptation to get going as quickly as possible.  These occasions call for reverence.
• Find a theme around which to wrap your words - make it easy for people to follow you!
• If you don't have a theme, find 2-3 key points to wrap your words around - people can follow points!
• Keep your sentences short so that you can lift your head and keep eye contact with people.
• If you feel yourself welling up with emotion.  Stop.  Breathe deeply.  But more importantly lift your head up and look upwards.  It's near on physically impossible to cry with your head in this position! Our bodies normally go into the foetal position to help us cry and be emotive - so you must consicously open yourself 'outwards and upwards' to manage yourself. 
• Keep your pace slow......so that you don't speed through your words with anxiety.   Otherwise as quick as you're up there, you're back down again.  And that gets a bit like musical chairs!

It's not easy by any means.  But I'd rather spend extra time with individuals to help them prepare for the occasion, than to see them sitting in the audience watching me do what they wanted to do in the first place!  Where's the reward in that for people?

So next time you're asked to speak at one of these ceremonies.......try these simple but effective tips - I'd love to know how you got on.......


Good Luck


Carole

Top 5 reflections from 2011 - Celibate or Celebrant??!!

Today, like most of you, I've been looking back over the year.  Looking over my shoulders into what's gone before.....smiling about those things that have gone well.......frowning at those things I could have done better or differently!

But to stop me getting too reflective and maudling.......I pushed myself to just pull out some simple facts and observations about my celebrancy work this year.  And so as a starter for 10........here's my top 5 reflections from 2011.......and I can guarantee that one of them will make you smile!

• In the last 6 months alone, well over 2000 people have sat and listened to me lead a non-religious ceremony - now you can't accuse me of not spreading the word for Civil Celebrants!
• On the whole, the general public believe that you must be a humanist if you do non-religious ceremonies - the fact that a Civil Celebrant can do non or semi-religious services is not widely known.
• Many people who choose non-religious services, do in fact have some form of belief or spirituality.....they just don't want a member of the clergy or faith preaching or leading a mantra.
• The most Frequently Asked Question I get is ........"What made you go into this then?".......followed closely by  "What do you wear?"
• When I explain to people that I'm a Celebrant -  somebody always looks at me odd thinking they heard me say that I was celibate!.....I'm still not sure how to get around that one!

So there we have it.....a kind of mini-report and look back into 2011 and my work as a Celebrant.  2011 has been a great year for me.  I've met new and interesting people and learnt new and interesting things.  

I wonder what my observations will be this time next year?!..........



 

For all those I've worked with this year - I wish you a warm and wonderful christmas!

It's getting closer to Christmas eve........when that silent hush starts to descend......when the frenzy starts to subside.........and when you have time to look around and check out the meaning of it all!

I've hung up my non-religious ceremony boots now until the New Year.  But as they hang there getting ready for 2012, I'm mulling over just what Christmas means for all those I've worked with this year.

• To the families I've worked with who've lost someone special and who I've delivered a funeral service for - Christmas will be a difficult time.  I want to say happy Christmas - but those words just don't seem right.
• To those couples who've stood before me renewing their vows - I hope that this Christmas brings you all that you hope for.....and then just that little bit more!
• To those families who've celebrated their new arrival's baby naming ceremony with me - Enjoy your first Christmas together in your new family - and all the stories and fairy tales that now begin.
• To the new business friendships I've encountered this year - I hope you've enjoyed our coffees and conversations as much as I have. 
• And to those I have yet to meet and work with......here's to new beginnings!

This time of year affects us all differently.  It means different things to different people.  Wherever you are and whoever you're spending it with.......may it bring you all that you wish for - and only you know what that might be!

Have a warm and wonderful Christmas.....and above all - keep safe.

XCarole

It's that time of year - go on, it's OK to put religion in!

Our winter frosts are starting........Heavy snowfalls in some parts of the country........shops crammed with bustling shoppers rushing to get into the christmas spirit! It's also that time of year when many eagerly awaited wedding or baby naming ceremonies are held........ and when many sad and unexpected funerals are conducted.

And even if you've opted for a non-religious approach to the ceremony - take some peace of mind in knowing that if you use an independent celebrant and not a humanist - then you can weave in an element of religion if that's your choice. Many people believe that you have two choices - religious or a humanistic non-religious ceremony. There is a 'middle of the road' option that caters for a mix of beliefs and values - Independent Celebrancy!

You can sing Christmas carols...........have moments of silence for private prayers.............take festive poems or readings that just spell out what's going on around us.

You may decide on a non-religious outlook for your ceremony. But do think about those who sit next to you and share your service. Sometimes there is something quite humbling about a large gathering of unfamiliar individuals, just subtly recognising the date in the calendar. It can bring everyone together without anyone stating the obvious. Religion doesn't have to be the main thread or focus of the service - but it can just be there!


We all deal with this time of year in our own ways - and that is how it should be. But weaving in elements of religion is just a way of valuing the beliefs of others........even if those values are not ones that you recognise yourself.

'Celebrating a life' doesn't mean a 'happy clappy' event!

I was cut back in my tracks this week by a simple chat with a close friend. It was a discussion that on hindsight, I should have seen coming........But sometimes the most obvious things that stare us in the face - are also our blind spot!

We were talking about the funeral services that I design and conduct and how they 'Celebrate' the life of the person who has died. And the statement that threw me from my friend, went something like this......

"I don't think I quite get it...... Funerals for me are a sombre time...........they're sad..............Celebrating it just doesn't feel right....I don't know.....maybe it's just me....."

But I don't think it was just him. It made me think about the use of the word 'Celebration' in the context of taking a funeral service, and how that reaches into the very depths of our understandings and beliefs. Did he think that my services were all 'happy clappy',........even worse full of light entertainment that you'd expect from a Peter Kay or Russell Brand show?

So let's be clear. When I talk of the notion of 'Celebrating' someone's life at a funeral service, it's not about having an upbeat, full of laughter party. It's about:

• Putting the person who has died at the centre of attention - they take the spotlight for the service.
• Looking back on their life and the impact they have had in this world.
• Pulling out the legacy and footprints they leave behind and the affect on others.
• Focusing on those things people will miss most and helping to turn them into wonderful memories.

Now there might be subtle moments of smiling or laughter - we're all responsible for making people smile and laugh every day so why try and avoid it at a funeral? But yes funerals are sad. Yes they are emotional. Celebrating a life is not about fudging that - it's about saying that here today, in this room, this person takes centre stage. Let's give them the respect they deserve at their last show.

Celebrations done well can make a huge difference to people........But perhaps I just need to think a little more when I use the word 'celebrate' in my conversations!

Carole

Trembling at the thought of speaking at a wedding or funeral?

At the non-religious civil services or ceremonies I design and conduct, there's always the opportunity for someone to take a reading, share a poem, or simply say a few words.

Let's be honest - it's not everyones' cup of tea. Standing up there all alone with hundreds of eyes upon you - who'd put their hands up for that then? And yes, sometimes the emotion takes over and gets the better of us. But if you want to take part and can manage your own emotions for a few short minutes, then it's a wonderful experience to look back on and be proud of.

So if someone's asked you to speak at a funeral or wedding, then here's a few tips to help you out.

• Above all, be conscious of your breathing and take slow deep breaths. Your breathing will help with your pace, tone and voice projection.
• When you're preparing your script - keep the sentences short. Short sentences let you lift your eyes and make contact with your audience. Long sentences keep you disconnected from people for far too long. Not good for them and you might just miss that occasional smile!
• Prepare your script in large font - say size 16. If you do become emotional and your eyes start welling up, large font that's neatly spaced out will help you get to the end more confidently!
• And finally, keep it short! Measure your impact by what you say, and not how much you say!

Next time the invitation comes to speak at a wedding or funeral, think about how you might feel at the end of it - rather than how you'd feel doing it! You're more likely to accept it then and create a moment of pride that's simply immeasurable.

Go on............accept the spotlight with honour. And anyway, you wouldn't have been asked to do it if they didn't think you were good enough.............

Who's up for making 12/12/12 a day to remember?

It's amazing how certain dates can be the trigger to move people into action.

There's always a big rush and buzz for romantic couples to 'tie the knot' on triple digit dates! It's probably a good excuse too, for neither party to forget an anniversary on such a memorable date!

So recently we've seen - 09/09/2009, 10/10/2010 and 11/11/2011 and of course you can go back much further. Some people have a strong feeling of spirituality on these triple convergence dates, others have some sense of beginnings and endings. But the one thing you can guarantee, is that these dates create a frenzy to make something happen. No real logic to it - but does that matter?

Bookings will already be rolling in for weddings, vow renewals, naming ceremonies and other life changing events for 12/12/2012. If your instinct tells you to join the crowds - then get your diary out now and make some calls. Gretna Green saw at least 50 weddings this Friday 11th November, compared to its normal dozen or so that makes up a typical November Friday!

As it happens, I was conducting a funeral service for a lovely family on Friday 11th November. Of course that date couldn't be booked in advance - but I sense that in time, they'll look back and smile at the coincidence.

So are you up for making the 12/12/2012 a day to remember? At the moment.........my diary is free that day!