It's that time of year - go on, it's OK to put religion in!

Our winter frosts are starting........Heavy snowfalls in some parts of the country........shops crammed with bustling shoppers rushing to get into the christmas spirit! It's also that time of year when many eagerly awaited wedding or baby naming ceremonies are held........ and when many sad and unexpected funerals are conducted.

And even if you've opted for a non-religious approach to the ceremony - take some peace of mind in knowing that if you use an independent celebrant and not a humanist - then you can weave in an element of religion if that's your choice. Many people believe that you have two choices - religious or a humanistic non-religious ceremony. There is a 'middle of the road' option that caters for a mix of beliefs and values - Independent Celebrancy!

You can sing Christmas carols...........have moments of silence for private prayers.............take festive poems or readings that just spell out what's going on around us.

You may decide on a non-religious outlook for your ceremony. But do think about those who sit next to you and share your service. Sometimes there is something quite humbling about a large gathering of unfamiliar individuals, just subtly recognising the date in the calendar. It can bring everyone together without anyone stating the obvious. Religion doesn't have to be the main thread or focus of the service - but it can just be there!


We all deal with this time of year in our own ways - and that is how it should be. But weaving in elements of religion is just a way of valuing the beliefs of others........even if those values are not ones that you recognise yourself.

'Celebrating a life' doesn't mean a 'happy clappy' event!

I was cut back in my tracks this week by a simple chat with a close friend. It was a discussion that on hindsight, I should have seen coming........But sometimes the most obvious things that stare us in the face - are also our blind spot!

We were talking about the funeral services that I design and conduct and how they 'Celebrate' the life of the person who has died. And the statement that threw me from my friend, went something like this......

"I don't think I quite get it...... Funerals for me are a sombre time...........they're sad..............Celebrating it just doesn't feel right....I don't know.....maybe it's just me....."

But I don't think it was just him. It made me think about the use of the word 'Celebration' in the context of taking a funeral service, and how that reaches into the very depths of our understandings and beliefs. Did he think that my services were all 'happy clappy',........even worse full of light entertainment that you'd expect from a Peter Kay or Russell Brand show?

So let's be clear. When I talk of the notion of 'Celebrating' someone's life at a funeral service, it's not about having an upbeat, full of laughter party. It's about:

• Putting the person who has died at the centre of attention - they take the spotlight for the service.
• Looking back on their life and the impact they have had in this world.
• Pulling out the legacy and footprints they leave behind and the affect on others.
• Focusing on those things people will miss most and helping to turn them into wonderful memories.

Now there might be subtle moments of smiling or laughter - we're all responsible for making people smile and laugh every day so why try and avoid it at a funeral? But yes funerals are sad. Yes they are emotional. Celebrating a life is not about fudging that - it's about saying that here today, in this room, this person takes centre stage. Let's give them the respect they deserve at their last show.

Celebrations done well can make a huge difference to people........But perhaps I just need to think a little more when I use the word 'celebrate' in my conversations!

Carole

Trembling at the thought of speaking at a wedding or funeral?

At the non-religious civil services or ceremonies I design and conduct, there's always the opportunity for someone to take a reading, share a poem, or simply say a few words.

Let's be honest - it's not everyones' cup of tea. Standing up there all alone with hundreds of eyes upon you - who'd put their hands up for that then? And yes, sometimes the emotion takes over and gets the better of us. But if you want to take part and can manage your own emotions for a few short minutes, then it's a wonderful experience to look back on and be proud of.

So if someone's asked you to speak at a funeral or wedding, then here's a few tips to help you out.

• Above all, be conscious of your breathing and take slow deep breaths. Your breathing will help with your pace, tone and voice projection.
• When you're preparing your script - keep the sentences short. Short sentences let you lift your eyes and make contact with your audience. Long sentences keep you disconnected from people for far too long. Not good for them and you might just miss that occasional smile!
• Prepare your script in large font - say size 16. If you do become emotional and your eyes start welling up, large font that's neatly spaced out will help you get to the end more confidently!
• And finally, keep it short! Measure your impact by what you say, and not how much you say!

Next time the invitation comes to speak at a wedding or funeral, think about how you might feel at the end of it - rather than how you'd feel doing it! You're more likely to accept it then and create a moment of pride that's simply immeasurable.

Go on............accept the spotlight with honour. And anyway, you wouldn't have been asked to do it if they didn't think you were good enough.............

Who's up for making 12/12/12 a day to remember?

It's amazing how certain dates can be the trigger to move people into action.

There's always a big rush and buzz for romantic couples to 'tie the knot' on triple digit dates! It's probably a good excuse too, for neither party to forget an anniversary on such a memorable date!

So recently we've seen - 09/09/2009, 10/10/2010 and 11/11/2011 and of course you can go back much further. Some people have a strong feeling of spirituality on these triple convergence dates, others have some sense of beginnings and endings. But the one thing you can guarantee, is that these dates create a frenzy to make something happen. No real logic to it - but does that matter?

Bookings will already be rolling in for weddings, vow renewals, naming ceremonies and other life changing events for 12/12/2012. If your instinct tells you to join the crowds - then get your diary out now and make some calls. Gretna Green saw at least 50 weddings this Friday 11th November, compared to its normal dozen or so that makes up a typical November Friday!

As it happens, I was conducting a funeral service for a lovely family on Friday 11th November. Of course that date couldn't be booked in advance - but I sense that in time, they'll look back and smile at the coincidence.

So are you up for making the 12/12/2012 a day to remember? At the moment.........my diary is free that day!

"Now when you get it - ignore the grammar and punctuation! It's written to be heard and not read........."

Whoever I'm working with on the design of a ceremony or a service, you'll hear me at some point explaining how the draft is likely to look.

This is because I'm preparing them for a piece of writing that is coming through that will at times look odd. It will at various points feel awkward to read...........And I can guarantee that it would fail any academic english language or grammar test! The reason is simple. My ceremonies are written to be 'heard' and not 'read'.

When I'm presenting a service whether that be a funeral, a renewal of vows or perhaps a baby naming ceremony - then the language, pace, tone, punctuation and overall presentation carries just as much weight, if not more sometimes, than the actual written content. Writing to be 'heard' is very different from writing pieces that are to be read and digested. When you're writing to be heard, you're writing for immmediate impact!

In my design work I make more use of language patterns. I systematically hit all of the senses. I speak in colour as well as in 'black and white'. I draw from the past as well as take people into the future. I talk 'big picture' alongside the detail.........and lots more. It all goes to putting together a ceremony that is engaging, interesting and unforgettable.

Your ceremonies are a one off experience. You won't get a second chance to run them again. So make sure you use a celebrant that's experienced in creative writing and presenting. It's the only way to guarantee great design and delivery of your ceremony.

'Hello' magazine gives examples of garden weddings!

It was another capuccino moment that sparked this latest blog! I put my hands up to admitting that I work best when I'm in 'thinking' and reflective mode!

I'd been having a chat that morning with a mum whose daughter is getting married next year - and explaining how using a celebrant for the wedding ceremony can give you something different. Then I opened the October issue of 'Hello'. Now if you have one to hand - then turn to the pages which celebrate the different weddings.

You'll read about how Mr and Mrs - "....got married in the gardens of the father of the bride......"

So how can you get married in your own gardens and exchange vows anywhere?

Let's put the record straight. Only a registrar from the Council or the member of your clergy can legally marry you here in England - that's when we start talking about church weddings or licensed civil venues. It's different in Scotland and in other countries, but that's where we are in England so let's just work with it. But how you 'celebrate' that wedding is entirely within your own gift.

So there's nothing stopping couples going to 'register' their marriage at the Register Office and doing the bare, basic legal minimum requirements - and then coming away to hold their wedding ceremony complete with the exchange of vows - at a place and time that matters most to them!

So why would you take this approach? Well if any of the following appeals to you, then have a chat with me!

• Complete freedom to design readings, vows and the whole content of your ceremony - you don't have to go along with what's offered to you and every other couple that comes through the doors!
• The opportunity to have the ceremony outdoors, in your own gardens, on your nearest beach, perhaps even at the place where the proposal took place - you can hold the ceremony anywhere and at anytime and aren't restricted to licensed venues.
• The choice of personalising this most significant chapter of your life - and having a photo album like no other!

If you think about it - when a child is born we register the birth and celebrate it through a christening or baby naming ceremony some weeks or months later. When someone dies, we register the death and hold the service a week or so later. You can register the marriage using this same approach and then come away and hold the ceremony afterwards.

Next time you read about someone getting married in their landscaped gardens, on the top of woodland or underneath their favourite 200 year old oak tree - chances are they used a Celebrant!

The approach doesn't appeal to everyone - but if you're getting married for the second, third or fourth time then something different like this could be quite exciting for you. And if you've had enough of the corporate and 'like-for-like' wedding packages, then this way of getting married is right up your street!

"Oh you're a humanist?"..............Short Answer - No...I'm an Independent Celebrant.

I've just spent a few days in Wales working with some previous clients from my consultancy world - and I also tacked on a few extra days to make the most of our last 2011 heatwave! As ever, people are interested in my growing celebrancy business and what that actually means.

I'm no longer surprised at the immediate response of "Oh, you're a humanist then?" The world is good at seeing things in black and white - it's an easy way to label things and put them into boxes. So you're either religious or if not, then you're an atheist - and that means humanism!

Now over recent times, that's been the growing trend - and humanism has developed in its' own right. The British Humanist Association (BHA) is evidence of this popularity and the celebrancy career has fitted neatly into this. But society isn't so black and white and often peoples' beliefs aren't always that clear cut.

My own values and beliefs steered me away from humanism. I'm much more comfortable being able to wander loosely, with curiosity - and to dip in and out of ideas and thoughts, rather than follow a clear cut line of beliefs. That's why when I entered the career of celebrancy, I chose the approach that best suited this lifestyle - an independent and 'middle of the road' stance. I chose to become an Independent Celebrant rather than a Humanist. For me, it was absolutely the right move.

My business which provides non-religious or semi-religious ceremonies and services gives you the best of both worlds. If you or some of your guests want a snippet of religion in there like a private prayer or hymn, then I can do this. If I was a humanist, the answer would be no........not at all. And if you don't want religion in at all, then my approach fits that too!

I'm finding that when given the choice, people actually quite like having the option to include religious or spiritual aspects into the service. It lets them value the beliefs of others as well as their own during a service or ceremony. It's not such a black and white approach after all.............But you do just need to know that you do have another option beside humanism - an Independent Celebrant.

If you're interested in finding out more, then visit the web site for our Professional Fellowship of Independent Celebrants - it describes our ethos and ways of working that might just appeal to you for your next celebration!

www.professionalcelebrants.org.uk